Devastation

Around 11am, we finally got to talk to a doctor. The EEG had been set up and was monitoring Stephanie, but it would be a while before we had real data from which to gather results. The doctor gave us some very hard news, informing us of the affects of her cardiac arrest that happened at our house. Because her heart stopped beating (and we don’t know how long that lasted), her brain wasn’t getting the oxygen it needs and is likely (i.e. most assuredly) swollen, which can lead to very bad things and brain damage. It is possible she has a blood clot in her brain, or fluid, among other things. The short of it is, we won’t know until we can take an MRI of her brain. The doctor informed us that she wasn’t stable enough to be able to order an MRI. We needed to wait for her blood pressure to normalize (hers is typically lower than normal, plus she was getting medication to bring up her blood pressure to counteract the fact that the sedative was bringing it down) and for them to be able to reduce her sedative. They really do not like to take a patient to get an MRI while being on the blood pressure medicine.

That was not the worst news. We were informed that she was showing signs of not responding with higher brain functions. For instance, her arms were in such a way that indicated her brain stem (primitive functions) was in control, and she had no corneal reflex. She listed some other things and reported that these were very discouraging signs. The encouraging signs were that her pupils were reacting and she was showing some responses that were higher brain functions. Sadly, her conclusion was that things were not looking good, especially if she didn’t stop having seizures (still going on at that point) and start responding more to things. The doctor is very concerned over the swelling in Stephanie’s brain. And so we wait on the MRI.

I was crushed at this point. I couldn’t bear the words I was hearing, even though I held my composure while the doctor talked. I lost it after she left and we all in the room cried and sobbed for some time. Prayer was constant, one of the pastors who married Stephanie and I came and comforted us, and my and Stephanie’s parents and her aunt were all here.

I cannot bear the thought of losing my wife. (Who could?!) Whether that be physically, emotionally, mentally, or any other way, I just couldn’t stand it. I felt like I would never stop crying, as the doctor’s words rang in my ear, crushing every hopeful thought I had. No doubt, I pleaded with God, and demanded that He not take her from me and her babies. While I would be crushed to lose her, I’m more concerned for my kids. They are such sweet, gentle little souls, and so much of that is because of Stephanie and the wonderful mother she is. God can NOT take her from them. I told Him I won’t let Him.

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