Some of you have claimed that I’m strong. I don’t feel strong. I don’t feel like I have the strength to handle this. I have made it this far, but this is just the beginning of a life made impossible. I know God will help me. I know in time, it will get easier. (To be honest, though, at this point, I don’t want it to get easier, because that feels like I’ve moved on and that breaks my heart to think about.)
I was thinking about this blog and how Stephanie had no knowledge of it (at least not in the way it is now). I realized that anything I do from now on will fit that distinction. I don’t know how to live a life that she doesn’t know about. We shared everything, and it’s going to be soul-crushing to not have that.
I don’t want to wander around wallowing in my pity, either. But that’s where I say I’m not strong enough, because I don’t know if or how I’m going to do that.
God give me strength for today and for tomorrow and beyond. I don’t know how to do it or what I’m doing or going to do.