Lacking

Some of you have claimed that I’m strong. I don’t feel strong. I don’t feel like I have the strength to handle this. I have made it this far, but this is just the beginning of a life made impossible. I know God will help me. I know in time, it will get easier. (To be honest, though, at this point, I don’t want it to get easier, because that feels like I’ve moved on and that breaks my heart to think about.)

I was thinking about this blog and how Stephanie had no knowledge of it (at least not in the way it is now). I realized that anything I do from now on will fit that distinction. I don’t know how to live a life that she doesn’t know about. We shared everything, and it’s going to be soul-crushing to not have that.

I don’t want to wander around wallowing in my pity, either. But that’s where I say I’m not strong enough, because I don’t know if or how I’m going to do that.

God give me strength for today and for tomorrow and beyond. I don’t know how to do it or what I’m doing or going to do.

56 thoughts on “Lacking”

  1. My precious brother. I am crushed and broken hearted with and for you and your children… I do not have answers to these questions. I only know He promises His grace will be sufficient and He will give it to carry you through each day. Maybe for some time through each hour at first for the sake of your children. You may only have enough for that day. It reminds me of the manna that fell from heaven. It will be sufficient. Just enough. Right now it just hurts to breathe. So, He will keep breathing with you and giving you each breath. I'm so very sorry Brad. More than I could ever express. ♥

  2. Brad – you will find the strength for those babies of yours. They will give it to you when you don’t think you can go on anymore. And when you don’t want to be strong, that’s okay too. One piece of advice I was given in regards to the kids that I always thought was great was to let them see the emotions. I always felt like I had to be “strong” for them… but a social worker from hospice told me even at such a young age, kids need to see their parents FEEL. They need to know it’s okay to be sad, mad, happy, scared, etc. So let yourself feel and be whatever it is that you are experiencing, because all of it is normal and okay and the kids need to see that as well. They need to know they can express their emotions to you wihtout feeling like they need to keep it all bottled up as well. And I promise you it will get better, but it will get worse before then. There are ups and downs and it’s not a path I wish you had to take, but you will get through.

    A comment you made about your blog and Stephanie not being able to see it or know about things you do in the future… well, this is just my way of looking at it, but I think from now on she will actually get to see EVERYTHING you and the kids do and experience. I always feel as though I have an extra angel looking out for us. I know that Mark is watching those kids grow up and is with them through all the experiences, even though he’s not physically there. Stephanie will be with you. She won’t miss a thing. Makes me think of the song “I’m Already There” by Lonestar…

    I don’t know if these words help at all but I have the greatest hopes for you. You will get through this, even if you can’t see how right now. I will continue to pray for you and your children. I am so very sorry you are going through this. My heart breaks for you. I am sure you will cherish getting to lay with her in that hospital bed one last time. And having a “place” to go is nice, not only for you but the kids as well. I could go on and on but won’t. You have been in the thoughts of our whole family and will continue to be…

  3. Brad, Your life will have to be lived literally moment by moment. Live in the strength the Lord gives you for the next 60 seconds, & then the next. You can’t look at any more than that. The Lord and the prayers of His body are what will carry you through each moment. Praying for HIS strength for you. You are right, you have none from yourself. Praying for you & your family.

  4. Brad, Grieving is NOT “wallowing in your pity” – please allow yourself the time you need to walk through the grieving process – it’s the only way to come out the other side whole enough to be able to care for yourself and your children. Don’t let anyone tell you to “move on” – the day will come when you realize that the memories bring more joy than pain and that’s not moving on, that’s just going on with the life you and she started together. I’ll continue to pray for you and the babies. Blessings!

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