Hard Day

You can never know what’s going to make a day (more like a moment) difficult or not. It seems to come out of nowhere. Brady woke up this morning coughing quite a bit. And, even though I usually got up with the kids so Stephanie could rest, I greatly noticed her absence this morning. I guess I’ve been mostly just sleeping in late enough to avoid that feeling in the past weeks. It’s a feeling that sucks (sorry for the “language,” but there’s no other word for it) like no other.

What probably is going through my head is the lack of that morning routine, where I’d get Brady up, start Stephanie’s coffee and go cuddle her every five minutes until she got up. She was always so cute to me in the morning (and all other times, too). Getting ready for work was uneventful, but then I got hugs and kisses from all and a big wave by everyone out the picture window as I drove off.

I know the memories are a blessing, but they often (at least for now) walk that line at the edge of a curse. Jerks!

24 thoughts on “Hard Day”

  1. Brad,
    Reading your latest blog breaks my heart. I can’t imagine the pain you’re going through! I could say all of the cliche things about time healing/easing the pain and establishing a routine with the kids, etc. but I know none of them would make you feel better in this moment. Just know that thousands of people are praying for you, Brady, and Halle. Your grace and strength in the midst of tragedy is overwhelming and has really caused me to reflect on my own life and my relationships, especially with my husband and daughter so thank you.
    Korie (Metzger) Snyder

  2. We are praying and praying. I have no experience with any of this, but I would guess that you will eventually develop a new morning routine, and my prayer is that you will come to love your new routine as much as your old one, although I’m sure you will have to love it in a very different kind of way, and I’m sure all of that will take a lot of time. I cannot tell you how often I think of you and the kids. It’s literally all the time. And every time I think of you, a prayer quickly follows.
    We love you,
    Leslie

  3. I can only imagine what it is like to notice such a deep void. You and your family remain in our prayers and will continue to stay there.

  4. Dear Brad,
    I am faithfully following your blog. Thank you so much for continuing to write. I want you to know that the love you have shown and verbally expressed for Stephanie is beautiful beyond words. Please know that I am continuing to pray for your strength, for your little Brady and Halle, and that God’s love and peace will surround you and comfort you on these most difficult days.

  5. Memories can be a curse at times. Eventually if they are too painful you put them away, but a time comes where maybe there is a slight twinge, but it is mostly happily remembered.

  6. Brad,

    I can hear you writing this… if that makes any sense. I just can’t imagine how it feels. We think of you often and pray for you and your little ones. Thanks for sharing. You are a blessing, my friend. Such beautiful words in your memories, and yes… jerks! :-)

    Ben

  7. Brad we do not know each other I go to west 58th Church of God. I lost my sweet husband to cancer. I never realized how deep and burning grief good be. Just like you mentioned I miss the morning routine drinking coffee, talking, as soon as something happens with our children wanting to tell him. immediately about it. But I know how our God loves us,.
    Brad, one second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time with the help of faith family and friends we survive for our children and for what God has left for us to do

    praying for you
    Gennia

  8. I’m will continue to pray for you! I often think of your family throughout my day. I pray for comfort for you all and that the pain is a little less each day.
    Julie

  9. Prayed for you this morning that you would feel the presence of our Lord today. Just wanted you to know that many people you’ll never meet will be praying for you and your family for a long time.

  10. Hey Brad. Just sayin’ hi, and lettin’ you know that I haven’t jumped ship. Not that it needs to be said as a public post on your blog, but I know you’re on here a lot.

    This does indeed suck… bad. But I’m also guessing that every now and then, you get a few microseconds of goodness/joy. Perhaps shorter than a blink, but long enough to know it happened, and is possible. At least.. that’s my hope. :)

  11. Brad – your final comment had me laughing – which I didn’t think was possible. Friday was the 2nd anniversary of my father’s passing (nothing that compares to your loss). That being said, my dad was my best friend! And each time I would talk to somebody about my dad, and inevitably would get upset, I would say “jerk”, which would make me laugh. I hope that you will find that little something that will provide you with a chuckle to get through the rough days. Sending lots of prayers your way! God Bless! ~Alexis~

  12. Brad,

    There is know other way to explain it. It hurts and the words to describe it are few. Around here we say a lot that we wish we could have my love back, and at the same time we never want to loose where we have come with God. His word is deeper than ever before and I feel as if I have come to know Him in ways that only this pain could have brought about. I truly understand what it means to stand in His strngth because it is the only thing that holds me up and I truly know what it feels like to be held in the depth of hurt. Grief hits like a mack truck coming at you. You never know what will set it off and most often it is not the things that you expect that cause the wounds to feel fresh. It is a daily journey. I will keep praying.

  13. Brad,
    I just recently started following your blog and was so moved by everything that you are experiencing. I’ve been praying for you and your family often and I hope that you are finding strength that you didn’t know you had. I experienced a similar loss when I was much younger and we didn’t have kids, but what I remember most was the overwhelming void I was left with. All I can say is that it does get easier with time. Focus on your beautiful children and honor your wifes memory by keeping it fresh in their minds. I truly believe everything happens for a reason – I know that isn’t always comforting when you are experiencing something as difficult as this, but God works in mysterious ways… You have been incredibly inspiring! I will continue to send prayers your way.
    Take care and stay strong!
    Laura

  14. There will be a day of no more tears, no more pain and no more fears, there will be a day where the burdens of this place will be no more, there will be a day where He will wipe away the tears and we will see Him face to face. Brad, I often hear songs on the Fish where I can relate daily to my life but lately the Lord puts them there for you through others. I know this because the day I drove out of my garage to the wake service the Light up the sky song was on. I know you love that song as I do too. Hold on, as painful as it is, I wish I could wipe the pain away….only our Saviour can do that. He holds us the closest in His hands when we hurt the most.

    Praying for you,
    Amanda

  15. Just wanted to stop by and say, “Hi!” Been wanting to say something to you for a while now, but caught myself searching for profound things to share. Then I realized that I have nothing profound to offer in the way of words. Still thinking and praying for you all.

  16. I keep checking to see if there is another post from you. There’s not a day that goes by, that I don’t think about you and your sweet babies! Praying for strength for you all!

  17. What a beautiful gift of love you gave your dear Stephanice while she was here, and what a wonderful gift she left you with, the children. You and your family are stil in my prayers. God Bless you and the babies!

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