Some people were confused by the fact that Stephanie’s engagement ring was what most people consider a ten-year anniversary ring. For us, we mostly just loved how it looked, but we also loved the idea of past, present, and future. She also was not a jewelry girl and knew she wouldn’t want to ever replace or upgrade her ring, so we always said that this was her ten-year anniversary present ten years early. It’s crushing that we didn’t get a chance to even make it that far.
A month ago was the day everything started. In fact, 31 days and 33 minutes ago as I write this was when her seizure started. I both can’t believe it’s been a month already and that it’s only been a month. Every time I think about that last moment, it feels like it’s a moment that is infinite in time and was only a second ago. I literally feel like I could reach back and touch that moment with my hand. It’s that visceral and tangible to me. And I think it always will be.
But it’s been a month. Thirty days ago, I wouldn’t have been able to imagine making it a month enduring such pain, but everyone does. Anyone who’s been where I am knows that you just keep going – you make it, however it needs to happen. When I was in the hospital, I kept saying, “I can’t believe a week ago we were doing that together.” Then it was, “I can’t believe two weeks ago was her birthday and we were celebrating and loving life together.” Now it’s, “A month ago was the last time I talked to her. I’ve never gone more than a day without talking to her, and now it’s been 30.”
I took my ring off today, just to see how I would do. I’m normally not the type of person to ever take off something like that. A lot of me never wants to, but another part of me feels like it’s slightly inaccurate to wear it. I’m still not sure how I feel about it. Stephanie never wore her rings around the house as they were uncomfortable, but she proudly displayed them when going out, and I never took mine off. It always made me so happy. I’ll probably put it back on, but only time will tell.
Now I start counting the time since it all happened in months instead of weeks.