Seriously?

I just.

Can’t.

Believe.

She’s gone.

And I’m pretty sure I never will. Fifty years from now, when I’m old and gray with grandchildren, and maybe even a wife, I’ll still find disbelief in this fact of my existence.

It’s one of those stories your grandchildren hear for the first time and they find themselves in deep shock. “Did you know Grandpa was married to someone else before Grandma?”

It’s been a while since I’ve given an update. I’ll give more details later, but I’m actually doing quite well. Even still, this disbelief is heavier than lead.

I keep saying that for as much as I believe in God more and believe in His goodness and grace and mercy and promises more, I disbelieve this situation more. It’s almost as if it’s even harder to believe, the more I believe God.

And He is so good to me, and to everyone. And I can’t wait to see how He used this to change me for His glory.

15 thoughts on “Seriously?”

  1. Brad, I empathize with your disbelief. It's been 16 years since my mother died and just today I was mourning for the relationship she never had the chance to have with her grandchildren and them with her. I can't even put into words what a fun, doting, and amazing grandmother she would have been. …..but it was God's will……

  2. The more I look every day, Brad. The more I see God’s work in my life, and while difficult to understand even a few short months ago it gets clearer every day that He loves me, will never leave me or forget me, and does more than I could have ever imagined. In time I’ll know His complete plans for me as well, but for now I am ever blessed by Him, and amazed how personally He intervenes in my life and let His glory shine. Even if it is known by one, two or many, He is most wonderful and never forsakes us. I’ll praise and thank Him forever, and marvel when I see all He plans for me.

  3. I hear you. Sarah and I can’t even have a discussion about our group without saying at some point, “I can’t believe Stephanie is gone.” Sometimes Sarah will just walk in the room and say it. I know she thinks about Stephanie a lot.

    Every time I’m at your house, I just expect her to walk around the corner any minute. I knew that would happen the first time we visited. But I now realize it will never go away. And I don’t think I want it to. Even sitting in the living room playing Risk the other night, I felt like she was in the other room preparing snacks or something.

    It’s so encouraging to see you, Brady, and Halle doing so well. I don’t know if you will ever completely come to grips with her being gone. I just pray that the pain will go away.

  4. I certainly can’t compare my feelings/sadness/pain to yours, but I can assure you that there are so many people who miss Stephanie so much. As I’ve said to you before, I know you must think about her every single minute of every single day. And although her face might not enter my mind every single minute, I can assure you that there is not an hour that goes by that I do not think of her and follow immediately with prayers for you and Brady and Halle.

    Praising God for His sovereignty, which is something Stephanie and I discussed several times. She was the one who really taught me what that means, and her belief was infectious.

    Love you,
    Leslie

  5. its never Gods will for someone to leave before their time.the destroyer of our souls is responsible and wants this to devastate and paralyze your family. epilepsy is a spirit that needed to be cast out (read it in the gospels) i pray this tragedy will turn you into a fighting warrior for the kingdom such as some one like paul. u have authority and power over the works of darkness. brad you keep steering your family towards Godliness. refuse to let satan kill steal and destroy in your family. i prayed intensely for you the family and your precious wife. i assure u this isn't Gods plan but u can turn it around for the glory of God. you are strong and an inspiration to many. please don't take any of this the wrong way because im only saying what i truly believe and it comes from a place of compassion and yet im angry at satan. you will win,i promise.

  6. I can't really say what is God's will and what isn't. I think as humans we are not equipped to figure that out, because God is much larger than the scope of our understanding. I only trust, that regardless of whether it is His will or not, He will be there with His loving provisions to comfort us. As always, prayers are coming your way from here.

  7. Brad, I empathize with your disbelief. It's been 16 years since my mother died and just today I was mourning for the relationship she never had the chance to have with her grandchildren and them with her. I can't even put into words what a fun, doting, and amazing grandmother she would have been. …..but it was God's will……

  8. I can't really say what is God's will and what isn't. I think as humans we are not equipped to figure that out, because God is much larger than the scope of our understanding. I only trust, that regardless of whether it is His will or not, He will be there with His loving provisions to comfort us. As always, prayers are coming your way from here.

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