Six Months

Six months never felt so long.
Or so short.
As of Sunday, April 3 at 10:08pm, six months prior was the last time I talked to my wife.
The kids and I were all a year younger then. We’ve all started that next year of life sans Stephanie.

It’s essentially 180 days. And trust me when I say that it’s more about the number of days than the number of months. Actually, it’s even more accurately about the number of moments rather than the number of days, because that is what I’ve had to get through. I can’t think about a month. That’s much too large a time frame. I’m fortunate if I can figure out next week.

But, it’s amazing how much God can heal a heart in such a short amount of time. I don’t know how to explain it. But I do know that a few weeks ago, I very noticeably turned a corner with regard to my grief. Almost suddenly, I was more okay with things than I had ever been, though I had certainly been working up to that point. God has been so gracious and merciful to me in my struggling through this, allowing me the time and crazy emotions. And all of my family and friends and acquaintances and people reading this blog have been incredible support to me. It is thanks to the incredible love from everyone (God, especially) that I’ve come this far.

I spend a lot of my time thinking about my future. How does God want to continue to use this loss? In which direction does He want to point me? He continues to encourage me with stories from people of how He is using this for His good. I still stand by the fact that even though my life might not go the way I want, He is using this – and my life – for His glory. And that gives me more peace than anything this world could ever offer.

I absolutely hope to get married again. I want it for me and I want it for my kids. I’m not sure what that will look like or when that might happen. I’m doing my best to look to God for every step I make and every choice I have. I hope and pray He doesn’t make me wait too long, but waiting on Him is certainly better than going my own way with things. Plus, He’s gotten me this far and will get me as far as I need to go.

The kids are doing great. They’re both playing more and more with each other as Halle is getting older and able to communicate better. They are both so sweet and loving. We have many random cuddle moments throughout the day. And they both love life and love each other.

Me being the way I am, I like that April 3 was the first Sunday to be a “3rd” since Sunday, October 3. I know it’s probably strange, but I like being able to honor these dates at six months on the same days of the week as they originally happened. A weekday just has a different tone to it than a Sunday, so I’m thankful for the similar tone.

Before I know it, I’ll be talking about six years and exponentially more amazed at what has happened since. But, it will be one moment at a time that I get there. And, I think God delights in us taking one moment at a time. And boy, what I would give to be a delight to God.

17 thoughts on “Six Months”

  1. Your name popped into my head on my drive into work this morning and I said a quick prayer for you. Now after reading this entry I know why and am amazed at how God can cause seemingly random events to work together.

    In God’s love,
    Matt

  2. Brad, you amaze me! God’s glory shines so bright through you. I have been blessed by reading your blog along with thousands of others…..hope you always continue :)

  3. What a testimony and honor to God. We love you and continue to pray for you (you especially came to mind last night).

    *hugs*

  4. Brad, I agree with Matt…you and your family are constantly in my prayers and thoughts! I was listening to Moody radio the other day about a husband who was working in Haiti when the earthquake hit. He was buried under so much rubble, he didn’t think he would survive. He lay next to a very good friend of his who did not make it. He pictured never seeing his wife and two small boys again. He was hopeless and full of despair and questioning “God why?” Why send him to Haiti to work as a missionary, just to kill him this way? He said while he was praying, the Spirit came over him to just praise God! Praise God at a time like this? I couldn’t understand it, but I remember that you did it. I remember reading in your blog that when you were at your very lowest moment at the hospital, you and Brian just sang and praised God. God eventually rescued the missionary in Haiti and he has gone on to share his miraculous story. God may not have rescued you the way you pictured it, but Brad, God is definitely using you in a mighty way. I’m glad to hear you are doing better and I will continue to lift you and your family up in prayer.
    In His Love,
    Barb

  5. You are still on our minds all the time. You are in our prayers a lot. We are so happy that things are starting to get better for you. You have been such an encouragement to us as we have read your blog/posts. We will continue to pray for you and your kids. God bless you.

  6. Brad, I absolutely love this! This gives me hope for you and your family! God has helped you when no one else could! You are such a great example of strength and faithfulness! I continually pray for you and your family! I think of Stephanie often! I know she is with you always! I am glad to hear Brady and Halle are doing good! Many blessings and miracles! :)

  7. How awsome Brad; I am so glad to see that god has healed you and the kids enough that it didn't crush you when this date came but actually was a positive thing….. I always jokingly tell Chris if anything happened to him i couldn't think of getting marrried to soemone else cause I wouldn't want to always compare the new person to him….In reality I know he'd want me to go on but God would have to do it cause I couldn't do it on my own….. Keep growing and posting We love You and the Family tons……

  8. You are such a light of Chirst, God Bless you and the children. Thank you for sharing, and I'm sure He will continue to led you to the next phase. You are still in my prayers.

  9. How awsome Brad; I am so glad to see that god has healed you and the kids enough that it didn't crush you when this date came but actually was a positive thing….. I always jokingly tell Chris if anything happened to him i couldn't think of getting marrried to soemone else cause I wouldn't want to always compare the new person to him….In reality I know he'd want me to go on but God would have to do it cause I couldn't do it on my own….. Keep growing and posting We love You and the Family tons……

  10. You are such a light of Chirst, God Bless you and the children. Thank you for sharing, and I'm sure He will continue to led you to the next phase. You are still in my prayers.

  11. Brad, I absolutely love this! This gives me hope for you and your family! God has helped you when no one else could! You are such a great example of strength and faithfulness! I continually pray for you and your family! I think of Stephanie often! I know she is with you always! I am glad to hear Brady and Halle are doing good! Many blessings and miracles! :)

  12. Brad, Your blogs never fail to inspire me, amaze me, cause me to weep, make me smile, astound me, renew hope in my own heart and bring the truth of God's love ever closer to my soul. Thank you so much Brad, for the way you share, for the way you glorify God, and for the way you are not afraid to open your heart to the pain and allow God ( and all of us) in. I believe this is why you are being blessed so abundantly with His amazing power to heal. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for being the holy example that you have been and continue to be. Praising God and still praying for you brother…

  13. Brad, I am so thankful to hear how the Lord continues to work & heal… praying that each new day, each new moment brings more & more clarity, acceptance, healing, understanding, and PEACE.

  14. Brad, Your blogs never fail to inspire me, amaze me, cause me to weep, make me smile, astound me, renew hope in my own heart and bring the truth of God’s love ever closer to my soul. Thank you so much Brad, for the way you share, for the way you glorify God, and for the way you are not afraid to open your heart to the pain and allow God (and all of us) in. I believe this is why you are being blessed so abundantly with His amazing power to heal. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for being the holy example that you have been and continue to be. Praising God and still praying you brother…

  15. Brad, I continue to read your journal entries and pray for you and your children. I always hoped that God would find a wife for you again, but am thrilled that you are open to that happening. That will not take anything away from what you and Stephanie had. You have a lot of love to give to someone that becomes your wife. Which is apparent after reading the love letter you have shared with us about the realtionship the two of you had. In His time God will reveal His plans for you. Continued healing and Blessings coming your way. Love to you and your family

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