Ambulance

I live on a street and in a city that doesn’t exactly tend toward the younger demographic, so I can’t say that I was surprised to see an ambulance just across the street this evening. What did surprise me was the response I had and also what my kids ended up saying.

I was immediately contemplative. That’s my new favorite word because it’s not accurate to say I’m sad, but I’m certainly thinking — deeply. I’ve seen ambulances on the road since October (and pray for the person and their family every time I do), but this is the first I’ve seen one parked on my street. It really hit close to home (pun intended). In less than a year, three times I had seen those lights flashing in my driveway as I struggled to make sense of what was happening at the time. I couldn’t help but anguish to see them again, even though it wasn’t for us this time.

Was it the same men across the street who so feverishly tried to help my wife? Would they remember me or my wife or my house if they looked over and saw me standing in the doorway tonight? I certainly wouldn’t know any of those faces in a crowd. I can’t imagine what it must be for them to have those possible reminders of what they witness in their line of work. “This is the street/That’s the house where such-and-such happened.”

Brady was awake and aware of the first two visits we had, so he also knows the ambulance in the driveway, and he thought about Mommy tonight, too. I’m not sure what he or I said that inspired Halle, but she somehow got excited thinking “Mommy come home!” No, Dear, she’s not coming home. She went “Home,” but she’s never returning home to us. And once again, I was reminded that it’s harder for me on their behalf that their mom is dead than it is for them that their mom is dead. And it crushed me that Halle was thinking about her coming home, even if she doesn’t really understand what she’s saying.

Thank God for the ambulance and the paramedics who help so many people.

17 thoughts on “Ambulance”

  1. Same here. I think of you often ! I have a friend who is just starting the process that you have had to go through since October. Except he has four children , ranging from 3 to 14. His wife just passed away on good Friday from cancer. And his oldest daughters birthday was the Friday after good Friday. It has been hard and I am praying and thinking of him and his family! Same that I do for you! I am continually here to support and pray for you guys!! :)

  2. Brad, one day it will happen though that you will see her again and that even though is sad she is gone from this life is happy because in the eternal life we will all enjoy happiness in a different light.

  3. Same here. I think of you often ! I have a friend who is just starting the process that you have had to go through since October. Except he has four children , ranging from 3 to 14. His wife just passed away on good Friday from cancer. And his oldest daughters birthday was the Friday after good Friday. It has been hard and I am praying and thinking of him and his family! Same that I do for you! I am continually here to support and pray for you guys!! :)

  4. :( , Stephanie's spirit is at peace with the Lord (preparing your house in heaven). Yet it's not her ghost, but memories which haunt you. It's not the destination of our mortal shells which matters (death), it's the journey and all the people we get to know and love. When you feel sad, take strength from the fact that she loves you, her spirit will always love you.

  5. she will always be with you guys just keep telling yourself and the kids that. and even after 5 years my mom burst into tears just yesterday when i put the ladder next to the house to clean the gutters, it was in the same spot as it was the day my dad died… memories…

  6. Awww. HUGS. I love that little girl and all you guys. Very interesting word…contemplative. I like it.

    Hang in there. You are doing such a great job.

  7. It’s been a while since I have checked in to see how you are doing. I think of you often and lift prayers on behalf of your kids and you. It is absolutely true for me, too, that I hurt more for my kids over their loss of their dad – even more than I hurt for myself sometimes it seems. I think contemplative is a perfect word. Life is so full of so many deep thoughts at this point. Like trying to wade through life and refigure out what life is supposed to be like now. It doesn’t make any sense to me but I can’t deny nor do I want to ignore the fact that God’s hand is so present in the midst of it all. I pray that you and your family be lifted up and encouraged. That what ever your need may be, God would fill it perfectly for you. Keep pressing in, I am sure you know – He is enough.
    Much love to and prayers.

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