It still happens on occasion. I get a reminder of those multitude of miserable days that are so thankfully fading out of memory. It’s never a day anymore. Maybe a moment. Maybe an hour. Maybe a night at most. But certainly noticeable, no matter how long.

It usually starts with something stupid, and often compounded by something else stupid, and with a big fat topping of “how did I end up here?”

I thank God that it’s never as bad as it used to be. I don’t fill the garbage with wet tissues. I certainly don’t shake with emotion. However, I might still bully a couple of pillows for a while. (They take it in stride.)

Pillows. That reminds me of something I said to my mentor: I have two pillows and only one head. It’s no wonder they take the brunt of my emotions. They’re partly to blame.

It’s so strange to look at pictures and wonder if those were snapshots from within a dream or not. It would certainly make sense, as I struggle to recap those events to myself because that’s the best way to not forget a dream in those moments just after you wake up.

But I’ll never be fully awake while this heart beats. Anymore, I’m convinced that Heaven is the waking moment. And at that point, true reality will finally saturate my soul. I could make the point that this life is probably more nightmare than dream in comparison to Heaven, but that might sound too dramatic and I’d have people sending psychiatrists to check on my mental state. (Don’t worry, I’m quite stable.)

And someone will tell you that I am as sure as — well, you know — not ready to be with someone else because I still think about the mother of my children on occasion. You can say that, as long as you also try to tell parents who have lost a child that they’re not ready to have any more. My heart is bigger now, not smaller. And I’ll never forget how long I’ve dreamed in my heart of being married.

And that’s what these moments remind me of. Make sense?

4 thoughts on “Occasionally”

  1. Brad, you write so beautifully and I know that your words are a true reflection of your beautiful heart. You so renew my faith in men. I am so thankful that my friend, Stefanie got to spend her few short years on earth with you. Heaven will be such a reunion.

  2. I would like to echo Jan’s words. Brad, “You so renew my faith in men.” In October of 2010, When I began reading your blog, I myself was in the center of the Refiners fire. I was staggering through some very difficult times in regards to matters of the heart and trust for men in general. During that time I was seeking God and asking Him for something tangible that would speak hope and healing to me. This was when I stumbled upon your story. Your blog was a huge part of that healing process… actually still is. I can’t thank you enough for your transparency and willingness to share all that God is doing in your life. You are truly one of the strongest men of God that I have ever encountered. I KNOW that He will continue to bless you and your children, and I can’t wait to read about it!!! I love your statement “my heart is bigger now, not smaller” because it is proof that God does NOT leave us as orphans. When we stick with Him through trials (no matter what) He renews our strength and enlarges our hearts. The Lord makes His face shine upon you Brad! …And yes, it makes sense! :)

  3. God gave you a gift for communicating! It’s so nice to be able to share your gift. Thank you for letting us (even in a small way). Two pillows? Paradigm shift: keeps the existence of hope present :)

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