Starting line

chalk-line
“Seek first His kingdom and all these things will be added unto you.” For a long time, I think I was doing this. In fact, I think I was pretty focused on it for a time. I was seeking first His kingdom. But, I have fallen away from that being my singular focus. And I hate that I have. And I’m sorry to God. And, let’s be honest: it’s not the first time, either. Last night, God really sparked me to want to really do more for Him, even if I don’t know what. Writing a book is kind of my go-to. But there is so much more. I want to mentor men. I want to pray more, and better. I want to work as unto God. I want to encourage others. I want to be more like Jesus, ultimately. I just don’t know where to start.

So here I am. If this is some semblance of a starting line, consider me on it. I might not bolt off the line. I might just lumber forward after the gunshot, slowly working myself into a trot — or some imitation of it. I might be huffing and puffing after a few steps. I don’t know. I’m just tired of sitting in the stands making excuses for why my legs don’t work. I’m tired of saying “I don’t know where to start” so many times that I start to believe it. Just start at the white line, Brad. That’s where to start.

How do I reset? How do I go back to depending on God? How do I give it all up and over to God? How do I find what God wants me to do? How do I see it clearly?

I can hear what He’s saying now: “You don’t need to stop caring about finding a wife; you just need to start caring more about finding Me.” And, if I’m honest, I haven’t been. It probably has something to do with me being annoyed with Him for making me wait this long. That might not be all of it, but I’m sure it’s some of it. And from there, I find excuses for doing what I want to do. That’s so ugly! It’s so dirty. It’s so pathetic. It’s so… stupid. Why am I like that? I don’t want to be like that. I want to be used by Him; not useless to Him. I want to feed others; not steal bread. I’m tired of focusing on myself.

I need Your help, God. I don’t even have the strength to ask for it as fully as I should. I know I’m not even strong enough to admit how much I need Your help. And I’m not strong enough to stay committed to it, either. I’m afraid I’ll give up in 10 minutes or less. I’m afraid I won’t see it. I’m afraid I’ll stop caring again, or get annoyed again, or feel defeated again. And I’ll give up and I’ll give in. I hate it. That’s not how I want to be. Not truly.

So, I need Your help. Again.

8 thoughts on “Starting line”

  1. I could say a lot of these same things about myself. Ergh…humanity.

    I do believe…that knowing that you aren’t especially strong is a good place to be. (“Awfully small and not as strong as we think we are,” in the words of Rich Mullins.) It’s the thinking otherwise that gets a person into trouble. I think…that if you just keep walking with Jesus everyday that the opportunities for service will come as he brings them and has prepared you for them. Keep hoping for that in joyful expectation. I admire your courage to keep moving forward.

  2. Brad,
    We all have to “start over” in our lives at times. Our circumstances change and we’re left with, ” now what”? For me, it was retirement. My job as a CT tech gave me a mission field, a purpose, an identity. When I retired 2 years ago, I wandered around, each day asking God, ” What can I do now? I feel so useless”. Then I got serious with my relationship with God. No more, read my Bible plan, check, and I’m done for the day. Due to some pretty inspiring messages at church, I started having my own devotional time with God every morning! I’m retired…what excuse did I have? Praying for over 10 lost people that need Jesus. Looking for opportunities to witness and serve. Since I’ve been doing this, the Lord has blessed me mightily! My daughter-in-law came to Jesus in the past few months, because God was making me bold for Him and I was having life conversations with her! I’ve been mentoring a friend who is suffering from a husband who left her with 3 children and is still recovering from a very serious stroke. We have built a bond and I’ve been praying that God would give me the words, because I always forget the Bible verses and give me a boldness to give her the Gospel message. In other words, Brad, I went to God, repented that I wasn’t seeking Him and His will more, and I see fruit where I never had it before! More than I ever had even while working! Brad, you are a very gifted man, and I can see you doing great things for God! Your opening verse about seeking Him first is the key, and I think God will surely show you where He needs you and how He can use you. Take your life experiences and use them to help others to say, “it is well with my soul”. Im sure God will lead you to where he wants you. May I recommend you download the Chip Ingram app to you phone and listen to his series, (un) Stuck. He is so full of wisdom and I’ve learned a lot from listening to his messages. Anyway, sorry to be so lengthy , but you have So Much potential for the church and I can’t wait to see where God leads you!
    Barb

  3. I have had these exact same thoughts! I lost my (what would have been) future husband to cancer two years ago and have been really struggling with the emotions and loneliness I’ve felt since. I fear that another relationship will be snatched from me, but I know it is just the enemy trying to keep me stuck. Thank you for your post, I hope to meet you at the conference as I see you are one of the speakers.

  4. I know this struggle too well. Ringing in my ears constantly is “I want more of God at any cost” but then I do things that don’t line up…and sometimes I feel like I can’t break free of the cycle. A good place to start, I’ve found, is being in His presence. (Although the very thing my heart longs for – His presence – all too often, I save until all my chores are done, then I’m too tired) But I have to believe there is hope to break out of the cycle, as I need it myself.

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