“Seek first His kingdom and all these things will be added unto you.” For a long time, I think I was doing this. In fact, I think I was pretty focused on it for a time. I was seeking first His kingdom. But, I have fallen away from that being my singular focus. And I hate that I have. And Iâ€™m sorry to God. And, let’s be honest: it’s not the first time, either. Last night, God really sparked me to want to really do more for Him, even if I donâ€™t know what. Writing a book is kind of my go-to. But there is so much more. I want to mentor men. I want to pray more, and better. I want to work as unto God. I want to encourage others. I want to be more like Jesus, ultimately. I just donâ€™t know where to start.
So here I am. If this is some semblance of a starting line, consider me on it. I might not bolt off the line. I might just lumber forward after the gunshot, slowly working myself into a trot — or some imitation of it. I might be huffing and puffing after a few steps. I donâ€™t know. Iâ€™m just tired of sitting in the stands making excuses for why my legs donâ€™t work. Iâ€™m tired of saying â€œI donâ€™t know where to startâ€ so many times that I start to believe it. Just start at the white line, Brad. Thatâ€™s where to start.
How do I reset? How do I go back to depending on God? How do I give it all up and over to God? How do I find what God wants me to do? How do I see it clearly?
I can hear what He’s saying now: “You don’t need to stop caring about finding a wife; you just need to start caring more about finding Me.” And, if Iâ€™m honest, I havenâ€™t been. It probably has something to do with me being annoyed with Him for making me wait this long. That might not be all of it, but I’m sure itâ€™s some of it. And from there, I find excuses for doing what I want to do. Thatâ€™s so ugly! Itâ€™s so dirty. Itâ€™s so pathetic. Itâ€™s so… stupid. Why am I like that? I donâ€™t want to be like that. I want to be used by Him; not useless to Him. I want to feed others; not steal bread. Iâ€™m tired of focusing on myself.
I need Your help, God. I donâ€™t even have the strength to ask for it as fully as I should. I know Iâ€™m not even strong enough to admit how much I need Your help. And Iâ€™m not strong enough to stay committed to it, either. I’m afraid I’ll give up in 10 minutes or less. Iâ€™m afraid I wonâ€™t see it. Iâ€™m afraid Iâ€™ll stop caring again, or get annoyed again, or feel defeated again. And Iâ€™ll give up and Iâ€™ll give in. I hate it. Thatâ€™s not how I want to be. Not truly.
So, I need Your help. Again.