I’ve been saying all along that God has been telling me to wait. I found that message particularly absent this morning (and even last night to a degree). Now that today is over, I think I know why.
Much of today was spent considering the next few days and what needs to happen, or what our options are. I found out (much later in the day than I would have hoped) that Stephanie’s brain activity is much diminished – almost non-existent from what I’ve seen – and her breathing is not above the ventilator like it was all this past week. I take two things away from these points.
First of all, I’m ready to move on, for as much as that is possible. All the talk about making her comfortable and organ donation and autopsy would have been nearly impossible for me any day before today. But, I felt at peace about it. I was able to consider the options (not that I had much thinking to do, since Stephanie and I had talked about where we stand on those issues) without falling apart amidst them. I was ready to talk about all the logistics.
And that’s not to say that I have given up on God bringing a miracle still. I still have no doubt He can and will give me a miracle, but am nonetheless preparing in accordance with what is necessary as far as the hospital is concerned. These considerations, while unnecessary if she is healed, have created so much growth in me simply because I have considered everything and really thought through the next days and sometimes weeks. I don’t believe God will hold any of that against me when considering if I have faith that His healing will happen.
And that brings up the other point I take away from not feeling like I need to wait. With Stephanie’s worsened condition today, God is really setting Himself up to shock everyone with her healing. God kept telling me to wait on Him and for His miracle because He is now at a point where it is practically at its most impossible to happen. And a miracle happening would crush any doubt that God did this. The doctors aren’t even trying anymore, so they couldn’t even say they did this or that and it somehow worked. God has told me that I’m done waiting. I feel done. I feel okay and ready for whatever His plan is.
I know I’m not completely ready for either outcome, but I’m as ready as I can possibly be.