Flow

Tonight, around 6:45pm, I was told the results of something called a flow test. This test shows if there is still blood flow in the brain. Normally, they would measure brain activity, but because of all the medications Stephanie was on, they couldn’t ensure that wouldn’t affect the results of such a test.

I was told that the flow test came back and showed no blood flow in her brain, which is pretty much what I expected. Yesterday morning, her brain activity was much lessened according to the EEG, and her breathing was nothing above the ventilator, so she wasn’t doing any breathing on her own.

Later tonight, they will run some clinical tests to check her pupils and if she is really not breathing on her own. The results of that test will determine when she should be “pronounced.”

I picked out a spot for us in our city, which she loved. She always wanted cremation unless I felt I needed a place to visit her, and I think I do.

They’re going to take out her EEG leads and wash her hair, and make a spot for me on the bed, which is so nice of them. I need one more chance to cuddle her. Although, I just found out that there might be one more night before they do anything with her, so this might not be our last just yet.

58 thoughts on “Flow”

  1. My heart goes out to you Brad. You are so strong and I’m truly in awe of you. I hope you feel all the love around you, and know we are all here for anything you need. My love to you………

  2. So sad to read this. Will lift you and your precious babies up in prayer everyday…everyday.
    I have definitely held my little ones closer and stopped my “too busy” routine to listen to their needs. We have started cuddle time..you gave me the idea when you spoke of how Stephanie sat on your bed with your children.
    Bless you….on our knees during this time .
    Love in Christ
    Melanie

  3. I am so sorry for you… may God continue to strengthen you as you face these next few days and a future that doesn’t at all look the way that you had planned. Hold those babies tight and continue to write – someday they will treasure all of these thoughts that you have recorded about their Mom.
    Praying for you,
    a stranger, but sister in Christ
    Robin

  4. I’m at a loss for words. You all remain in our prayers daily. Know that so many people love you all and will be here for you.

  5. I am so sorry for all that you are going through, I have been praying for you and your family since it was mentioned in prayer at my weekly life group. You and your family are in my thoughts and you are all loved so very much. God Bless you.

  6. Another Storknet Sister here, I am beyond beyond sad for this latest post. I had been hoping so badly for you and your wife and children to have that blessing of her return.
    I have also slowed down and took time to snuggle and love on my children since this happened. She would have wanted that of us all I believe.
    We are ALL thinking of you Brad. Be Strong and know how many of us are thinking of you now.

  7. Oh Brad my heart is breaking for you and your family. i pray for a miracle tonight . I pray for your time to cuddle and hold your wife. I pray that if it is Gods will a miracle will be had. Our thougths and prayers are with you.
    Vanessa Kevin and kids

  8. Brad- I know you don’t know me but I’ve been reading this blog everyday. I am so truly moved each day by your strength and love. God will take care of you in ways you never expected I can see it happening already in your ability to handle the situation and keep us all updated. He will be there for you always and for Stephanie too. Whatever you need you have many of us willing to help. Praying continuously for you and your family.

    Angie Takacs

  9. Brad, my heart is aching for you right now. I’m so very sorry that things look so grim right now. :(

    I’m lifting you, Stephanie, and your children in prayer–and I’m still praying for that miracle.

  10. I’m sitting here bawling for your loss. I too am at a loss for words again. I will continue to pray for you and your family. She is whole in Heaven.
    What a thoughtful and caring staff she has a CCF!!
    ((HUGS))to all of you!
    Sis in Christ,
    Pam

  11. Brad, I am so sorry! I wish there was something I could do! Sometimes I wish I could see God Physically and see his face and his reasoning for the terrible transaction! You are a wonderful guy, husband and father! I am so sorry it’s turning out the way it is! I will continue to pray for you guys! I will constantly be thinking of you guys! If you could please send me your address! I would love to send you a card . As I have said if you need anything please let me know! Amy :) ps. may God give you peace!

  12. What I want to do it “fix” this. But obviously that is for God to do how he feels fit. Second to that, I want to wrap my arms around you and your children and tell you everything is going to be alright. I can’t do either. So I sit here and I pray and pray for a miracle. If not a miracle for Stephanie’s full recovery, a miracle that you will all get through. My heart breaks for you all.

    Your wife will forever be remembered by her Storknet sisters. We will not let her be forgotten. Nor will let her family be forgotten. We will continue to pray for the strength to get you all through this. I hope some day we are able to get an update on how the big the children have grown and how God has shone down on them.

    You may not know us Brad, but we love all you. We will never forget you, nor will we ever forget Stephanie.

    1. Another storknet sister here. Kimmber couldn’t have said it better. Your strenght and faith has touched me so deeply and has given me pause to reflect on my own life and relationship with God.

      Please know that you have so many people praying for you and for Stephanie’s healing, whether on this earth or beyond. May your faith bring you comfort in the coming days, weeks, and months.

      Jen

  13. Brad-
    I so admire your courage and strength… to bare your feelings, thoughts, emotions to the world at such a trying time. My heart is absolutely broken for you and your beautiful kids. I am praying so hard for Stephanie, in hopes of a total miracle, but knowing that it may not be God’s will.
    I am praying for you- for strength in the coming days, weeks, months, years… that God will guide you, comfort you, heal you. I cry for your loss. Words cannot really express how heartbroken I am for you!
    I know that God will use yours and Stephanie’s experience for the good– in ways we cannot even imagine! One can see already how many people have been drawn together and drawn closer to Him. It is amazing.
    I feel truly blessed to have known and loved Stephanie. She was such a wonderful influence over my life.
    Much love and prayers,
    Alexandria B Crites Scott

  14. Brad,

    Just hours after having suffered a very sudden painful loss in my own life several years ago, I happened to hear this song from a CD in my car. I had to pull over as I started to cry to the point I couldn’t see to drive.

    The song is “To Say Thanks” by Nichole Nordeman – and it drove the point home to me that I can be angry and question God but at the end of the day, God is still in control, and we need to thank God for the good He has placed in our lives, and for the time that He has given us.

    Life can be very hard to give thanks to God at times. This is one of those times.

    Nichole Nordeman – To Say Thanks

    Hello, Mr. Darkcloud
    Never thought that we would meet so soon
    Never thought I’d bundle up in June
    Funny how the fog rolls
    Funnier that I’d know who to blame
    Never thought I’d have to own this pain
    If all that’s good and true
    comes from heaven
    Then what’s a girl to do
    when it rains?

    CHORUS:
    And I’m sayin’
    Why, why, why, why?
    I’m shakin’ a fist in the dark,
    and I’m askin’
    Why, why, why, why?
    Why does it keep getting harder
    To say thanks?

    Even fields of flowers
    Dressing in their best because of You
    Knowing they are blessed to be in bloom
    But what about November
    When the air is cold and wet winds blow
    Do they understand why they can’t grow?

    CHORUS

    And I could not pretend
    to know the difference
    Between the storms You send
    and those I find
    And I’m askin

    CHORUS

  15. Brad,
    I’m very sorry for everything that you and your family have gone through. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  16. I agree with Robin above. Your words have been so inspiring to those who know and don’t know you. Your children will cherish them forever. Anticipating the day when all these tears will be ended forever. God’s comfort to you, Brad.

  17. As I read this post I find myself aching for you and also happy for you. Aching for obvious reasons and happy that you get a last chance to touch and hold her. What a blessing that alone is. I continue to pray for you all. You have touched my family so deeply by sharing with us your very painful experience. My children ( 16,13,12,10,8) have struggled with their Dad’s illness and have been worn down by the many hospital trips, doctors visits ect. What has been most difficult is the not knowing what will come next. Through your words in this blog you have shown them what real faith is and have reminded them that we don’t have to know what God’s plan is we just have trust in Him. Thank you for sharing yourself with us and allowing us to walk through this with you. May His peace and love surround you.

  18. Brad,

    You or Stephanie does not know me, but I go to PHBC. Pastor Dan spoke of you and Stephanie in church on Sunday, and since hearing about your story, I felt I needed to read your blog. I don’t know what to say but I felt compelled to write. My heart breaks for you and your little ones. Your strength and faith in God have been an inspiration to me. I have been lifting you up in prayer every day, praying for a miracle, but praying God’s will be done. And through all the tears and sorrow, there’s a rainbow on the horizon. My thoughts and prayers are with your whole family. May God wrap his arms around you and your children, and may you feel His love through the love and support shown you from your church family and others who are praying for you. May God always bless you and keep you in his loving care.

    Your sister in Christ,
    Linda

  19. I received your blog on facebook tonight. When I began to read the words I felt complete sadness. My heart goes out to you and your family. God works in mysterious ways and He has a plan for each and everyone of us. Unfortunately He takes people from us when we don’t understand why?! The faith you have for God and the Love you have for your wife made me realize sometimes I take advantage of the time I have with my husband and kids. Life can change at any moment and I cannot imagine what I would do if I was in your shoes. You are making the right choice by having faith in God. He will help you and you family to get through this very difficult time. My prayers are with you and all of your family. May God bless you and Stephanie.

  20. When I shall fall asleep like Stephanie I would like you to brush my hair,to be held and rocked and sung to. I would love to go home to hymns and songs of praise to the Father. I would like to be warm and not cold. I would like to be together not alone. I would like for there to be joy and peace and thanksgiving and praise as I hear those glorious words, “Well done,good and faithful servant. Now enter into the glory of your Master.” I would like you to know that while I was asleep for awhile…I’ll be alive forever more enjoying the awesome glory and presence of cuddling up in Jesus’ lap as he combs my hair and sings to me and keeps me warm in the light of his presence and lifts me up on the songs of his praises. I would want you to know that I love you and that He loves you and He will never leave you yet not even til the very end of time. He is a Father to the fatherless and therefore a mother to the motherless. He is and forever always will be beyond all that we will ever ask or need. I would know that you were there, even though they will tell you that I can’t. Rest with me, really rest and be at peace. Let me melt into your arms as you walk me down the aisle to meet my Bridegroom. Now I shall sleep for a little while longer…but soon I will wake up in the arms of my True Love.
    Lisa

    1. Brad, I noticed there are other “Lisa’s on here. We really are a dime a dozen. My last name is Nieman. If you should ever want to get in contact. Lisa Nieman. I live in North Carolina. Praying always to the Father of all comfort.

    2. Brad, I am the ‘Lisa'(who is, I’m sure you know by now, a dime a dozen:0)who writes as ‘the one who shall fall asleep’ My last name is Nieman.Email adress: lisamommyof11@yahoo.com. Lisa Nieman–the one with the 11 children and the exact type of Epilepsy that Stephanie has. Please know that I am praying always for you any Stephanie’s precious living eternal gifts to you and God. May you and they know that their lives are is in His hands and that yours is as well. Love on them babies. Never let them go until Jesus leads them forth on their adventure of a lifetime with Him. In his Mighty Grip, Lisa <3

  21. What can on say to another at a moment like this? I’ve felt many things through my 22 years in the military and the two wars I’ve faced. Strength from the Lord above is all I can pray for and ask that he gives you peace. One thing for certain is that God has chosen your family to endure this and he must really want Stephanie to help prepare a place for us all.

    I will continue to pray and pray for you and your wonderful family. No matter the outcome we all will one day meet again and when we do. It will be glorious!!

    Danny

  22. Verse of the day

    “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”- Jeremiah 29:11

  23. I used to go to PHCA & I was just told of this tragic news. I will constantly be praying for Stephanie, you, Brady & Halle. Words cannot express my sorrow, & I’m holding on for a miracle. Keep your head up, know that you are so loved & many are praying for you & her.

  24. I am at a loss for words….. I am truly sorry for what pain you are feeling right now and I wish I had the power to heal it… You have been in my prayers for so long and you will stay that way. Just remember you are not alone in this. Much <3 to you

  25. I’m so, so sorry for what you’re walking through. My mother-in-law was on life support for 10 days, a little over 12 years ago – and we went through very simliar steps. As I’ve read your blog, I have taken back to a place of remembering what the steps you’re going through felt like – and believing with you and praying to God for you and Stephanie – knowing miracles are STILL possible.

    The love you have for your wife is inspiring. Not all husbands love like you do. Stephanie is blessed. God loves you both and I am praying daily on your behalf, checking in through this cyberblog world and being moved to tears through each post. Still praying for a miracle.

    God bless you.

  26. I’m crying for you and your family Brad. This has to be the most difficult news to hear. Know that you and Stephanie and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Remember, God is with you all and Stephanie’s angel is there with her and will take her home when the time comes. May the Holy Spirit comfort you and the family through this very difficult time. May He bring you all peace. God bless you all.

  27. Dear Lord Jesus, we cannot question your timing of when you call us into your glorious presence. God, we hurt so deeply with Brad and his children. Our hearts are broken with grief. Please continue to provide the comfort, peace and grace you promise until the time you choose for us to see your face too. Take the pain away from their precious children, Lord.

  28. “Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.” Romans 12:15 Brad….I am weeping with you this morning. Your sister in Christ, Beckie

  29. Brad. I’ve refrained from commenting lately because I didn’t have words, and because I didn’t want to “tell you what to believe”, or say things like “it’ll be alright”. I’m not smart enough for the first, and have no right saying the second.

    Here’s what I feel. This is total crap, hurts like hell, and is extremely unfair. In your shoes, I would’ve stopped posting days ago. I would’ve crawled into a corner and yelled at anyone who came near. I wouldn’t want encouragement, I wouldn’t want help, and I wouldn’t want anyone to “understand”.

    What you’ve shared on a daily basis is nothing short of a miracle. It may not seem like one to you, but that’s how I see it. And I know that’s how others see it. You may not feel strong, but you can be damn sure you’re 100 times stronger than I’d be in this situation.

    I’m sorry you have to go through this. It’s going to hurt in a way I’ll never understand, but please know that you’re not going through this alone. And don’t feel that anything you’re feeling is “wrong”. Jesus wept over Lazarus. And how it’s translated into English doesn’t do the source justice. Jesus was absolutely devastated. That might not be encouraging in the normal sense. But to me, it makes Jesus seem more real, and someone who honestly understands.

    We grieve with you. And whenever you’re at a place where you can rejoice, we’ll be there to rejoice with you.

  30. May God give you strength in the days ahead, and the peace that passes all understanding. I will continue to lift you, Stephanie and your little ones up in prayer.

  31. Brad –

    I think Dave put it well, at least what I feel right now. I feel that during this time, you are posting such deep feelings and love for your beautiful Stephanie, and in a way I feel a comment is intruding. The fact that you are willing to share so much with each of us is a testament to your courage through this struggle.

    I do want you to remember we are all here for you, for Stephanie and for the kids. I’m not so naive to think that will make it all better for you, i know thats not the case. We will all feel pain with you, and we will try to be there as best we each know how.

    I don’t doubt you can make it through this with your faith, your family and the knowledge that Stephanie would want you to be happy – but I also know that you need time to be angry, and sad, and hurt. It’s not fair that you are in this position. We are here to support you and help when you want it or need it. Until then, we will hug you all in our thoughts and prayers.

    And the same is true for your Family and Stephanies Family – your strength and courage and faith through this all has been an inspiration. We know that your greif is deep as well, and I pray for your strength through all of this as well.

  32. Oh Brad, His strength is made perfect in our weakness. I know this through my own devastation. I can guarantee you that Jesus will take care of everything. Every inch of your heart will be comforted, renewed & made like Christ’s…in time. This tragedy has crushed so many people. We are all grieving along with you and your family. I know it’s on a different level than your pain, but just know that people are devasted. We are along side of you & will hold you up. We won’t let you go through this alone. Praying without ceasing, Pam DiBiasio

  33. Brad,
    No one expects you to be “strong” in this situation. God’s strength is sufficient and it is by His Strength that you will get through this. I continue to pray for you, Stephanie, and your little ones. Some may say that you need to be strong for them, but you also need to show them how very much this hurts…all of you. Grieve together, rejoice together…whatever the outcome…together. God never gives us more than we can handle and I know that sounds cliche right now but it’s one of His Promises to His children. He sure thinks alot of you and Stephanie and will continue, whatever happens, to use this to His Glory, through you. You let yourself cry when you need to, and scream into a pillow when you need to, and tell God when you feel mad…He already knows and holding it in only hurts you. I can tell that you are going to have a brilliant future…God is Love.

    In Christ,
    from Idaho
    Amy (for the Waters/Sopoti clan)

  34. Brad~

    You don’t know me, but my prayers have been with you during this terrible ordeal. My prayer today is that God gives you a peace you (and friends/family) have never felt before. You are such a strong man and you have been inspiring as well. Strength during the storm is very important and you have proven yourself that!! Just remember to keep your eyes fixed on Jesus…He will be your Comfort!!

  35. Still praying for you and for a Miracle for Stephanie. I can’t stop thinking about you and your families and I will continue to pray for you all.

  36. Tears and hugs go out to you and your family…May God strenghten you and your family at this point in time…Praying.

  37. I’m so sorry to hear about everything that has been happening. You are such a strong person, and I know your faith will carry you and your family through. Take care of yourself; I’m praying so hard for you!

  38. Brad,

    You, your little ones and Stephanie are all in our DEEPEST HEARTFELT thoughts and prayers during this emotional time of uncertainty. We pray steadfastly that the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will continue to strengthen and comfort you in the days ahead. Brad, you have no idea what an inspiration you are to all who have been reading your words of faithfulness and love, both for Christ and for your wife. We thank you for that and, as you have asked, we continue to pray without ceasing. Remember, this is a time in your life where there is only one set of footprints in the sand.

    We are your family in Christ,
    Janet

  39. ANother Storknet Sister here. I have been praying for your family since we heard last week, and will continue to pray for you, for your beautiful children and for the miracle we all know God can provide. That said, His miracles come in so many forms. Just how much Stephanie has touched people in her short time here, that is a miracle. God bless you all.

  40. Greetings Brad…praying that you feel the loving arms of Jesus around you during this time and that the Peace that only He can bring is with you.

    My family will continue to lift yours up in prayer.

    In service to Him,

    Crystal

  41. Brad and family,

    Losing a loved one is so hard and letting go is equally hard. The verse I turn to when I lose a loved one is 2 Peter 3:8 “But, beloved, be not ignorant of this one thing, that one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.”

    If my math is even close to right, my Dad has been with the Lord for over 5 million years in our time. I just can’t even begin to imagine what that feels like.

    Stephanie will be so glad to see you and the kids no matter how many millions of our years pass until you see her again…

    Mark

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