I have lots to say tonight, it seems. Truth is, I’m growing rather fond of this whole blogging thing.
In preparation of the viewing times and funeral service, I’ve been going through the scads of digital photos that Stephanie have. Each time I sat down to sort them and gather them all together, I spent most of the time being okay. But, as the time goes on, I start really focusing on individual pictures as opposed to groups of them, and I find myself falling desperately head over heels in love with my wife again and again. Then comes the bittersweet, and I ache for that love lost. I can’t describe how beautiful she is to me, and I worry that I didn’t make it plain enough to her. Maybe I did, but I wish I could make it clearer and plainer.
It probably wasn’t smart for me to be looking through pictures at night, as night is the worst time for the pain. I find myself lying in bed desperate to find a dark alley in my mind where thoughts of her can be avoided simply so I can spare the tears and fall asleep before it comes flooding in. But we shared so much – everything, really – so there’s nowhere, no thought that is safe from thoughts of her. It’s ironic that I spent all my marriage thankful for everything we shared and how much of life we experienced together, and now it’s the thing that plagues me in her absence. I guess you can’t have one without the other.
Sigh. Speaking of bedtime…