I feel like I’ve been waiting for this for 365 years rather than days, anticipating what it will be. The worst anniversary I could ever imagine is now upon me as October begins. 1. 3. 13. Though strangely related and all prime, what would otherwise be arbitrary numbers in any other scenario weigh infinitely heavy when they follow the seven letters representing the tenth month.
October 1, 2010 was Stephanie’s last birthday. God’s grace, once again, was in full force, as He put it in my mind to take that Friday off of work to spend the day with her – something I don’t think I did any year previously. It is a sobering thought to realize that at the time, I could never have imagined what would enter our lives just two days later.
Speaking of, that day is fast approaching when I can no longer say “a year ago, Stephanie and I…” And it will feel even sooner after that when I will be saying “two years ago” or “five years ago.” I fear the steady train into the future that will leave her standing at the station so far back on the horizon. I fear my memories will fade just as the miles fade our visibility.
On October 3, I’ll resort to thinking how that date in 2010 was the last day I was with her, talking to her. And I’m remembering that in the best way I can figure how, by having a bake sale in her honor. My coworkers especially knew Stephanie because of the treats she sent to work with me. I’m convinced she somehow found a way to bake into everything she made the pure joy she had from being in her kitchen, creating. And joy tastes absolutely wonderful! Dear friends of mine have also taken that idea and put together a cookbook of her/our favorite recipes, some created by her and others simply tweaked by her. Knowing that other people can have those recipes and continue to share some of her magic will make every morsel even sweeter.
I’ve also made the decision, once again, to experience the emotions as deeply as humanly possible. It might sound crazy to some, but it’s the only conclusion I can make. And to accomplish it, I plan to read each of my posts from a year ago as related to when those events happened. I want to remember what I was experiencing. I want to remember how God was at work. Remembering how my spirit broke is to remember how much He loves me and how deeply He sees me.
To put it concisely, I want to remember what God has done for me in 365 days.
6 thoughts on “And now we come to it”
I, too, just this morning re-read all your posts from last year. I am praying for you and sending you long distance hugs!
Stephanie would be so very proud in the fantastic job you have done these past 365 days. So very proud. I miss her terribly. I think about her often. Fall IS Steph and always will be in my heart.
The cookbook is an absolutely LOVELY, LOVELY — FANTASTIC — project! I am so looking forward to the day it is published. PLEASE keep us informed about this project. If you need any help or whatever, PLEASE let me know. I would truly, truly cherish this cookbook forever and hope that they will be made public. You know Steph and I shared a love of baking and cooking and were always discussing recipes and such. I am so excited about this project, I can’t contain my tears of joy! This is definitely a “good thing” as Martha would say ;)
I cannot believe it’s only been a year, and at the same time, I cannot believe it has already been a year. I think I’ve cried as many tears in the past few weeks as I did a year ago, just remembering her and feeling the fall weather coming and thinking of you and the kids. But unlike last year, not all of the tears are bad. I’ve found myself weeping with thanksgiving when I realize God’s grace and how He has changed so many of us and become real to so many of us since Stephanie’s death. Only God could take something so tragic and bring beauty out of it. She is still on my mind many, many times every day, which leads to many, many prayers for you and the kids, even a year later. And I’ll be one of the many who are praying you through the next few days. We love you.
I felt God nudging me to check your blog today. It does go by so slowly and yet so fast. The joy of knowing we are all one day closer to seeing those we love and falling into the arms of Jesus is the thought I stay focused on so many days. In July, it was 2 years for me and my second year of grieving with God was more beautiful than the first. I look back now over that time and I have surrendered so many things to him and I do feel completely healed by His grace. I still miss Allen like crazy and wish he was here, but I trust God and want to fulfill His plan. Your testimony and allowing God to work through you is a beautiful thing and bringing glory to our God. So thankful for you and all God is doing through you.
thinking of you & praying for you this week!
Brad you are so strong. I wish this hadn’t of happened to you. But in light that it did you still take everyday with such a great armor. I am so proud of how far you have come in the last year. so proud of you. And your beautiful kids. <3 I always think about Stephanie and how she is looking down with all her love on her awesome husband and her kids who miss her with all of them. But I also know how strong you guys are and how the oncoming years are going to make you guys better as a family. God is watching out for you and always will be. I'm constantly praying for you and thinking of you Brad. If you need me you know where exactly to find me. <3 all my love