Last night was hard. I couldn’t fall asleep, just thinking about everything that my wife and I have shared. She is such a beautiful person, and for those of you who know her, I’m not telling you anything you don’t know. Her and I have grown so much as a couple over the past year and as individuals as well, learning so much from each other. She was always teaching me how to love people more and practical ways in which I can show that love. She loves me so much, and I see that in everything I say or do or think these days.
Even now as I write this, I have a croissant sitting before me. I have loved croissants ever since I visited Paris in high school, and from the time we were married, Stephanie has been desperate to learn how to make croissants just the same way the French make them (because anything I’ve had here in the States pales in comparison and she knows that). She was given a gift certificate for a baking/cooking school to take a class. She was always hoping they would offer a class on how to make them so that she could use her gift for me. Who does that? My wife does, that’s who.
Anyway, I went and talked to her pretty late because I couldn’t bear not talking to her and couldn’t sleep without my mind flooding with thoughts of her. I’ve never missed her so much in my life, and there is no way to describe how many thoughts can fill your mind at one time. Obviously, everything reminds me of her, but just the magnitude of memories is almost crushing. Her hand squeezed down on mine a few times as I stood there holding it. It could just be a nervous reflex, but part of me, of course, believes she knew what she was doing. She used to always squeeze my hand three times as if to say “I love you.” I miss that.
Unfortunately, last night also brought two more grand mal seizures. One was six minutes long and the other four minutes. That is entirely too long for a seizure to last, and would be devastating even if she weren’t already in the hospital. It’s no way for a person to live, that’s for sure. I can’t bear her having seizures so often. And, due to that and the current state of things, this also might be a day when we determine Stephanie’s last night here on earth.