Last night

Last night was hard. I couldn’t fall asleep, just thinking about everything that my wife and I have shared. She is such a beautiful person, and for those of you who know her, I’m not telling you anything you don’t know. Her and I have grown so much as a couple over the past year and as individuals as well, learning so much from each other. She was always teaching me how to love people more and practical ways in which I can show that love. She loves me so much, and I see that in everything I say or do or think these days.

Even now as I write this, I have a croissant sitting before me. I have loved croissants ever since I visited Paris in high school, and from the time we were married, Stephanie has been desperate to learn how to make croissants just the same way the French make them (because anything I’ve had here in the States pales in comparison and she knows that). She was given a gift certificate for a baking/cooking school to take a class. She was always hoping they would offer a class on how to make them so that she could use her gift for me. Who does that? My wife does, that’s who.

Anyway, I went and talked to her pretty late because I couldn’t bear not talking to her and couldn’t sleep without my mind flooding with thoughts of her. I’ve never missed her so much in my life, and there is no way to describe how many thoughts can fill your mind at one time. Obviously, everything reminds me of her, but just the magnitude of memories is almost crushing. Her hand squeezed down on mine a few times as I stood there holding it. It could just be a nervous reflex, but part of me, of course, believes she knew what she was doing. She used to always squeeze my hand three times as if to say “I love you.” I miss that.

Unfortunately, last night also brought two more grand mal seizures. One was six minutes long and the other four minutes. That is entirely too long for a seizure to last, and would be devastating even if she weren’t already in the hospital. It’s no way for a person to live, that’s for sure. I can’t bear her having seizures so often. And, due to that and the current state of things, this also might be a day when we determine Stephanie’s last night here on earth.

22 thoughts on “Last night”

  1. There are so many benfits that are gained once we are adopted in the family of God. Obviously the best is that God promises us never to leave us nor forsake us. The other is that this same adoption brings us into the family of God. Your “God” family is lifting Stephanie, you and the kids up constantly. Being a grandparent we are especially remember your mom and dad in prayer as well.One of many sourses of comfort for us in the sunami that God led us through was Mathew 14 where Peter asked to be with Jesus in the midst of the storm. Somethings in life we’ll never understand. One thing though we can be sure of is that God will never leave us. We’re praying for you brother!

  2. Bill wrote on Facebook about how bad things are. I am just so, so sorry for you all. You’re right, this is no way for a person to live. I am praying that God gives you the strength to make the decisions you’ll need to make, and the faith to trust that He is working through you to love Stephanie well right up until the end.

  3. I am so so sorry Brad. I have tried posting a response for a day now and keep deleting because I can’t put into words how sorry and how sad I am for you all. I will continue to keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

  4. I’m in tears right now thinking about Stephanie. But I smiled when you mentioned her cooking. She promised me that she would make me another pot roast when the kitchen was finished – and I’m holding her to it.

    Lord, we’re waiting on a miracle from you.

    “But Jesus looked at them and said, ‘With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.'”

    Matthew 19:26 ESV

  5. Brad, Our hearts ache for you and your family…words cannot express how deeply we feel for you! Were truly hoping to have more positive news of improvement. However, while the outlook appears unpromising, we know “For nothing is impossible with God.” We continue to pray for a full recovery and permanent healing. We love you, are here for you and are constantly upholding you and your family in prayer.

  6. Always in His arms,dear Brad. ….and you will know every moment what to do. Stephanie is Loved and like Uncle Doug, will go from your arms to Jesus. love, Aunt Jackie

  7. Brad,I am one of Stephanie’s Storknet friends. We were on the same board together. Stephanie is an amazing woman and like Colleen have wanted to post for a few days but didn’t quite know what to say. I am heartbroken and sad and want you to know that you all will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

  8. Brad,

    Nothing to say that hasn’t been said already, but just wanted to let you know that Nicole & I are also lifting you guys up in our prayers.

  9. Oh, Brad.

    There are no words and no way that anyone can understand what is happening to your family right now. It is so easy for us to say “you need to trust in God.” While that may be true, it does not relieve your agony. It really is just not fair.

    So many are praying for Stephanie and you, you have no idea.

    Your wife is one lucky lady to have someone love her like you do.

  10. Brad,

    I, like many others, have been trying to find the words….

    I met Stephanie at PHBC while I was serving on the Worship Team, and I’ve always remembered her as a woman who has the biggest, kindest heart, and the warmest smile–and she always gave me the best hugs, and knew right when I needed them, too. Unfortunately, it’s been a while since I’ve seen her–I left PHBC and we lost touch.

    Reading your blogs and the raw emotions you’re feeling just makes my heart ache. I can’t even imagine what it must actually be like to be going through what you’re experiencing right now, much less how you’re managing to articulate everything so eloquently and share it with all of us.

    My prayers are with you, that you’ll have peace and strength; for Stephanie to have a healing miracle; for your children, that they will be blessed with much love (and I’m sure they are). I also pray for your family and Stephanie’s family.

    Trust in the Lord and His love, and if the unthinkable comes to pass and you must make these difficult decisions, trust Him to lead you and to comfort you–He will not fail you, even if the purpose of this is incomprehensible. I know I don’t understand it at all right now, but He has a plan and I have to trust in that, even if I really don’t like it at all right now.

  11. Dearest Brad: Like so many others, I have struggled to find the words I thought might bring you some small measure of comfort. I have been and will continue to pray to the Lord our God for dear Stephanie, you and your beautiful children, as well as yours and Stephanie’s parents. May God grant you strength and courage as His plan unfolds. Peace be with you.

  12. Oh Brad, like Mark said, there are no words that haven’t been said already. Just to let you know that you guys have been in my heart all week! Your faith through this will make you stronger. I’m in tears just reading this. We love you Brad! Prayers are with you and your whole family!

  13. We are praying for you. We have lived with seizures with a loved one for 7 years, but we have never had to go through what you are going through. We pray for supernatural peace for you.

  14. Brad,
    I was one of the first people to read your FB post about Stephanie on Monday morning. Just want you to know that I have not stopped praying and thinking about her since then. Words cannot express how sorry I am for all that Stephanie, you and your whole family are going thru.

    Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
    my hope comes from him.
    He alone is my rock and my salvation;
    he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
    My salvation and my honor depend on God;
    he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
    Trust in him at all times, O people;
    pour out your hearts to him,
    for God is our refuge.
    Psalm 62: 5-8

    In Christ,
    Marilyn & Brian Emsley

  15. You and Stephanie and your family have been and will continue to be in my constant thoughts and prayers during this heart-wrenching time! Praying very hard for a miracle! and for strength and peace and love to surround all of you! and wisdom for the doctors! and that Stephanie feel and know all the love and prayers being sent her way! Though Im sure they have been hard to do, and your faith and strength are amazing, we very much appreciate all the updates!

  16. Brad, I’ve heard of you and your family at CVC Monday night (Ladies Bible Study). We all prayed. I’ve read through your blog and have no words to comfort you that hasn’t been said. I can only share my favorite bible verse, which is on the wallpaper in my bedroom. “They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up on wings as eagles, the shall run and not be weary, walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31 May God renew your strength during this time. I’ll be praying.

  17. Brad, I have people praying for you all over the United States. A friend of mine emailed all her friends and family at the church she belongs to, prayer is a powerful thing. My heart goes out to you, you are amazing and I thank you for updating each and everyone of us on Stephanies condition. “You were walking along in the sand and there were two sets of foot prints in the sand and then there became one. That one was God because he was carrying you, again there will be two footprints when God feels that you and your family will be ok, then you will be able to walk along side him. God Bless!

  18. I don’t know you or your wife but am so sad just thinking about what you must be going through. I have been reading your blog and just wanted to say that I am praying for your strength to have to make the most important decisions that you will ever have to make. I am a nurse and see situations like yours and admire how you can poor out your heart on your blog and still remain positive. My heart goes out to you and your family.

  19. Brad – I have wanted to send a message throughout this, & no words can express just how I feel truly, but I want you to know that our prayers are with you now & always as strength and your faith in God will get you through. I know in all the years I have known Stephanie & her family (& now you too) that faith is a huge key for all regardless of denomination. Your decisions will not be easy, but in reading through your thoughts & feelings, you eventually will be as okay as you can be…time does heal, never lets us forget…but does heal. Take Care…even though our hearts are breaking with yours… from, JoAnn & (Josie(Mom)Hardony, St. Mary’s Byzantine Catholic church & choir, traveling friends & extended family of Grandma Hnat/Emley & Sons…oops & Walgreens/Independence too (I know you know!)

  20. I have heard your heart wrenching story from my friend kristy Hawk who is good friends w/ Kelly. My thoughts go out to you & your family. I know we’ve never met, but I am being touched by your blog & have found myself reading it several times a day. I sometimes wonder why God didn’t choose to take me when I was in a near fatal car accident in 1996. I told my mom that my uncle & best friend, that had already passed, had come to see me while I was in a comma & that they told me it wasn’t my time. I know now that this car accident was what made my dad & I reunite & build a great relationship before he died. ( Which he did three years ago ) I believe that God is using your wife as a precious tool to help touch people like me with his grace. I will continue to pray for you as you have to make this hard decision & I pray that God will be with your children as they adjust to not having their mommy in body, but always in spirit.

  21. Brad, I don’t know you or Stephanie, but I do know your parents. My heart goes out to you and your family. I just wanted you to know that you, Stephanie, Halle, and Brady have been in my thoughts and prayers all week. I am sooo sorry that you have to go through such sad times. I am impressed with your writings. It has explained what is goin on w/ Stephanie and has kept us informed. I am touched by the love you share for your wife and children. It is obvious that you and Stephanie have a love and bond for each other that many people never experience. All of you will continue to be in our prayers. May God look over and bless you and your wonderful family.

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