How?

How could this have happened? I’m still reeling about it and will be for years to come, most likely. I know that full well. Nothing makes it easier, and I don’t expect anything to make it easier. Time might help, I’m sure. But there’s still this absolute hatred I have towards time because it takes me further away from the days I had Stephanie with me still. I don’t want to move on.

The doctor ran a test around 2am to confirm their suspicions, and she was officially pronounced as having passed at that time. For me, I think it actually probably happened Sunday night when her brain functions diminished and her breathing was no longer above the ventilator. That’s also when I stopped feeling to wait. But officially, it happened this early this morning.

I have these moments where I’m terrified that maybe I’m wrong about everything regarding God. I’ve never felt more forced to deal with what I really believe than now, when my wife’s eternity is just beginning. If what I believe is right, then I can have hope for her and desperation for that day that I will join her. For me, I’ve never really questioned things, and when I did, it was only for developing my own arguments for how sure I am in my faith. And, deep inside me, there’s no way I could ever question my faith to a point where I would turn from it. But it’s just critical now that what I believe is true, so I can’t help but find out where I stand. I hate it.

I just don’t know how this has happened. A year ago, she had never had a seizure that we knew about. Life was “normal” and we were just living our lives like any other couple. I know I’m not the only one with such circumstances and realizations. For some people, it’s a car crash or something even more sudden, and here I am saying how fast this happened. For any of us in this position, it just doesn’t seem possible. I can’t comprehend it.

190 thoughts on “How?”

  1. Brad, Brady & Halle, I am truely sorry for your loss. As others have said, your thoughts and words from this time will be amazing for your children at a later date. To know the love between two people is amazing. And when they read of your faith through this trying time, my hope is that they continue what you have instilled in them. And I would like to thank you for awakening a part in me. Take care of those babies & keep all the memories alive. Love to you, your children & to both families. ~Amanda & Family

  2. Brad, I’m sooooooo sorry. My heart goes out to you. This has really touch my heart. We love you and are here for you! Continue prayers are on there way for you and your kids!

  3. Brad, I’ve been following this because your father-in-law is a friend of mine. This blog has brought me to tears many times. Don’t deny your strength, it takes a strong person to stay with God in a situation like this and not turn away from God. His strength is taking you through this right now, but YOUR strength allowed you to keep faith in a circumstance so devastating I can’t find words. I think that if I were in your situation I would still be laying under the hospital bed in the fetal position and denying it all happened. May God keep you in His embrace throughout and after this horrible situation, and may you keep a strong grip on God.

  4. Brad,
    My heart goes out to all of you.
    I wish I could say something to take away your pain.
    I feel blessed to have known Stephanie.
    May God hold you all in in the palm of His hand.

    RIP Sweet Stephanie.
    May the four winds blow you home.

  5. We’re so sorry for you great loss. We will continue to pray for you and your family. Something that keeps coming to mid is that God ways are not our ways and we don’t understand Him, but we will someday. We will know Him and his ways and reasons. Until then we beleive in faith, see His presence and trust in Him. Again, may God peace that passes the understandings of this earth be with you.

  6. Brad,

    We are so sorry. We will continue to pray for God’s comfort, guidance and peace for you and your family.

  7. Brad, please know that our prayers are with you and your family at this most difficult time. God is beside you, my friend…each and every step of this life changing journey, He is, as always, there for you to lean on. We, as friends, are also here if you need us…just say the word…

  11. Brad,

    I still deal with so many faith questions since my sister passed away in a car accident 11 years ago and since a good friend of mine passed away unexpectedly 5 years ago leaving behind her husband and 10 children. Sometimes it is incredibly hard to remain faithful when our world is turned upside by loss. I still struggle with faith issues because of my loss. I think it is a normal response for something that has shaken us so badly. I have times of feeling angry, questioning, and overall wishing things could be the way they were. You are not alone in your struggles. You are not alone in your doubts and questioning. My heart is heavy for you and the loss you find yourself in. I pray that sweet memories flood your soul during this time and for many years to come. I pray that God reaches down and provides hope for you when it seems nothing will ease your broken heart. Many will tell you to stay strong and that you will move on, but speaking from experience it’s okay to just melt, sob, and tap fully into the pain you are experiencing. It’s okay not to be strong. People don’t always know what to say, so they say the only thing that comes to mind. While we know that God has a purpose for all things, it doesn’t mean we have to like it. It doesn’t mean we won’t question or wish for something different. I know from my own loss that sometimes all we need is to weep, to take flowers to our loved ones site, and to simply have someone give us a hug. I pray that people come in your life who will do just that for you. That they will love on you and let you grieve the way you need to. In your timing and in the method that works for you. No one grieves the same and I pray that you find hope on this journey. I ultimately pray that God will reach down and comfort you when you need it the most. I am truly sorry for your loss and I lift your pain up in prayer.

    Jessica

  12. Brad,
    I sit here, in tears. Tears of sorrow for you and the kids.

    But my heart finds joy in knowing that Stephanie is right now, basking in the glow of our Heavenly father.

    As I said before, hold on tight. This isn’t the end, but the begining of amazing things God will do in this next chapter of your life.

    My friend, Leigh, wrote this song just a few days after she was diagnosed with leukemia. It was shown for her post transplant testimony. She too is now home with the Lord, but grab the words, ok? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n7jDEthDZDM

    Please keep writing. We’ll keep praying.

    In Him,

    Erin

  14. Brad, you don’t know me but I am friends with John and Margaret Hnat. I am so sorry for your loss. I was first made aware of this situation through John’s facebook postings and then through this blog. My girlfriend and I have prayed for Stephanie and your family and will continue to pray for you and them.

  15. may the holy spirit give you peace and comfort during this extremely difficult time.

    praise jesus that one day we will see stephanie again. what a beautiful reunion that will be.

    our love and prayers will continue for you, your children, and all the extended family.

    peace & love-
    nate and kileigh su

  16. Brad – I am so, so sorry. Prayers for you and Brady and Halle. Stephanie’s story has touched me and impacted me on a personal and religious level. May God’s grace give you peace.

  17. Dear Brad, My heart aches for you in so many ways. Even though Stephanie is with her Lord and you know she is at peace, I can’t even begin to imagine what kind of pain you feel right now. I don’t know you personally, but I feel like I know you because of all you have shared. I hope the following words give you comfort and I pray that you will remain confident in the fact that one day you will see Stephanie again where everything will be perfect and whole.

    Revelation 21:4 New International Version
    He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

    There Will Be A Day by Jeremy Camp

    I try to hold onto this world
    With everything I have
    But I feel the weight of what it brings
    And the hurt that tries to grab
    The many trials that seem to never end
    His word declares this truth
    That we will enter in this rest
    With wonders anew

    But I hold onto this hope
    And the promise that He brings
    That there will be a place with no more suffering

    There will be a day with no more tears
    No more pain, and no more fears
    There will be a day
    When the burdens of this place
    Will be no more
    We’ll see Jesus face to face

    But until that day
    We’ll hold onto You always

    I know the journey seems so long
    You feel you’re walking on your own
    But there has never been a step
    That you’ve walked out all alone

    Troubled soul don’t lose your heart
    Cause joy and peace He brings
    And the beauty that’s in store
    Outweighs the hurt of life’s sting

    But I hold onto this hope
    And the promise that He brings
    That there will be a place with no more suffering

    There will be a day with no more tears
    No more pain, and no more fears
    There will be a day
    When the burdens of this place
    Will be no more
    We’ll see Jesus face to face

    But until that day
    We’ll hold onto You always

    I can’t wait until that day
    Where the very one I’ve lived for always
    Will wipe away the sorrow that I’ve faced

    Oh, to touch the scars that rescued me
    From a life of shame and misery
    Oh, this is why, this is why I sing

    There will be a day with no more tears
    No more pain, and no more fears
    There will be a day
    When the burdens of this place
    Will be no more
    We’ll see Jesus face to face

    There will be a day with no more tears
    No more pain, and no more fears
    There will be a day
    When the burdens of this place
    Will be no more
    We’ll see Jesus face to face

    There will be a day
    He’ll wipe away the stains
    He’ll wipe away the tears
    He’ll wipe away the tears
    There will be a day

  19. Brad,

    It’s perfecty normal to wrestle with these thoughts and questions. Let me just encourage you by saying you are not wrong about God. You WILL see Stephanie again. Although it doesn’t make it any easier at this present moment, it’s only goodbye for now.

    Praying for you. And smiling thinking about Stephanie walking hand-in-hand with Jesus.

  20. Hey Cheezer,

    Thinking about praying for you and your family. I firmly believe that God has something amazing in-store for you and your family. If there is anything that we can do for you besides prayer please let me know.

    In Him,
    Chris, Kim, & Logan

  21. So very, very, sorry for your great loss. I will continue to pray for you and your precious little family.

  22. Brad, please know that all of us here at the Focus Institute are praying for you and your families.

  23. Words cannot describe Brad. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. I am so incredibly sorry.

  24. So sorry to hear of Stephanie’s passing! God knows all! Prayers for you and yours!!!! xo

  25. There are no words. I am so deeply heartbroken for you and your precious little babies. May God hold you close and give you the stregnth and peace you need. I am sorry.

  26. So very sorry for your loss. Saying prayers for all of you. RIP Stephanie, your Storkie sisters will never forget you. Thank you for touching our lives.

  27. Our prayers and heavy hearts will continue on through the days that are to come, we will continue to lift/hold you up!

    We are so very very sorry for your great loss!

  28. There is no place you’re walking that Christ hasn’t walked. The sacred prayers from your brothers and sisters in a God who is bigger than all this are being echoed all around you and your precious babies.

    Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again. ~ Psalm 71:20, 21

    “I will ransom them from the power of the grave; I will redeem them from death. Where, O death, are your plagues? Where, O grave, is your destruction?” ~Hosea 13:14

    In a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.” “Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?”The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. ~I Corinthians 15:52-57

  29. You and yours will always be in my prayers Brad. My heart cries for you and for these moments.

  30. Thinking of you and praying for you. Nothing we can say will ease the burden or release your sorrow. We love you and will be there for you.

  31. Brad,
    My deepest condolences to you and your family. Stay strong in your faith. Your strength and faith in this horrible times has been an inspiration.
    Michael

  32. Brad,
    There are no words, as so many people have already stated. I will say that I completely understand you questioning your faith. I’ve felt the same thing in the past 2 days. I do know that a belief that can’t be questioned is not a belief that’s worth having. Our faith can stand up to these questions, and our God can stand strong.

    Stephanie is in such a beautiful place right now; our earthly minds cannot even begin to comprehend it. And she’s greeting her babies that she lost and meeting her Savior face to face. Our pain remains, but hers is completely gone.

    I also cannot believe this has happened. I am still in complete shock, and my heart is broken.

    But we must cling to the truths and The Truth Himself. I know we must do this. It doesn’t make it easy, but I know it’s right.

    Try to sleep. Nothing makes sense in our heads, and our doubts multiply when we have no sleep.

    I’m with you, and so are so many other people. Grieve how you need to grieve. If you want to grieve alone, do that. If you want to surround yourself with people, call us. If you want to scream and throw things, do that. Allow yourself time.

    I can’t think of the words to say. Everything sounds so trite.

    We love you. And we’re not going anywhere.
    Leslie

  33. I am friends with Dan & Jinka Bloome. I read your storey 3 days ago and have thought of little else since. I cried because of the unfairness of it all. I was in awe of the love that you two shared. Some people go through their whole lives without ever experiencing that. You took me on journey through the most devestating time of your life and I can’t help but be amazed at your strength and willingness to give to others at this time. Your story has truly touched a part of me that has been in “storage” for a long time. And maybe, just maybe, I’m just a little more grateful for all the things God has given me and done for me. God gave Stephanies children a wonderful father who will help them to remember her always.

  34. I dont know you personally, just from attending PHBC but your family has been in my prayers, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I pray God continues to surround you and your family during this difficult time. Please know there are many many people out there praying for you.

  35. Brad,

    I know of your family through mutual friends of your wife and having been praying for you and your family since I found out yesterday. I lost my mom a year ago, and watched my father go through the pain of losing his love. We still feel the pain each day, but also the peace that my mom is Home. And the same is true for Stephanie. God called her Home because her purpose had been filled here on earth. I know you don’t understand why and may never know, but God feels your pain right now and is crying with you. His arms are open to you and your family to hold and comfort you….the same arms that held Stephanie from the very first seizure to when he welcomed her Home. My prayers are with you.

  37. I never got the opportunity to meet you or Stephanie. I’m actually friends with Shelly Sauer and her daughter Bella did some bow modeling for Stephanie. My prayers are with you and your family. Words can’t express how or what you must be feeling. Take comfort in your children. I am so, so, so sorry for your loss.

    Christi Farmer
    Columbia, MO

  38. Brad,
    My heart is breaking for you and for your two little ones. As so many have said, there are no words to say that will make this any easier. I agree that you need to allow yourself the time to grieve and feel angry and question everything that has happened. I will keep you and your families in my prayers.

  39. We cry with you and your family here. Stephanie is in the arms of our Lord and Savior. Amen.

  41. You are and will continue to be lifted up in prayer. We’re so sorry for your loss.

  42. This is Kelly’s cousin here … I’m so sorry about all of this and haven’t posted until now. But I do have to say that I understand questioning and God wants us to ask him questions. I was reminded of this Mercy Me song.

    “They’re in a better place,” I’ve heard a thousand times
    And at least a thousand times I’ve rejoiced for them
    But the reason why I’m broken, the reason why I cry
    Is how long must I wait to be with you

    I close my eyes and I see your face
    If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
    Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
    I’ve never been more homesick than now

    Help me Lord cause I don’t understand your ways
    The reason why I wonder if I’ll ever know
    But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
    Cause I’m still here so far away from home

    I close my eyes and I see your face
    If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
    Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
    I’ve never been more homesick than now

    In Christ, there are no goodbye
    And in Christ, there is no end
    So I’ll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
    To see you again
    To see you again

    And I close my eyes and I see your face
    If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
    Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
    Won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
    Won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow

    I’ve never been more homesick than now

  44. So very sorry for your great loss. You are continually lifted up to our Father.

    It is ok to question God. Search Him and see what you already know. He is here. He has been with you and will not leave you. Test Him. Scrutinize His Word. Let Him prove Himself again and again. He still loves you. He is still good, and will be with you every moment.

    Psalm 116:1-9
    I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;
    He heard my cry for mercy.
    Because he turned his ear to me,
    I will call on him as long as I live.
    The cords of death entangled me,
    The anguish of the grave came upon me;
    I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.
    Then I called on the name of the Lord:
    “O Lord, save me!”
    The Lord is gracious and righteous;
    Our God is full of compassion.
    The Lord protects the simplehearted;
    When I was in great need, he saved me.
    Be at rest, once more, O my soul,
    For the Lord has been good to you.
    For you, O Lord, have delivered my soul from death,
    My eyes from tears,
    My feet from stumbling,
    That I may walk before the Lord in the land of the living.

  45. Oh Brad… God has used you so much in the past few days and you have touched so many lives with your incredible faith. I pray that you don’t lose it now but continue to grow in the knowledge that you are loved by Him even though you do wonder about it. I feel such sorrow in your loss, but like Erin find joy in Stephanie’s perfect healing and in the welcome she must have received. I have total confidence that the first words she heard were well done good and faithful servant. I pray that you find joy in the work that is happening through you right now…

    My prayers for you continue…

  46. Brad – my heart is so heavy for you. There are no words. All I can think is Romans 8:26
    “Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words”

  47. Words cannot express how sad I am with you right now Brad. I don’t have the right words, but know I adore you and cry with and for you.

  49. Brad,
    I truly am sorry for the pain and heartache and loss you’re enduring. There are no words that lessen any of your feelings, but you are being lifted before the Lord in prayer. I pray that His comfort covers you as you grieve for what is no more.

    You’ve mentioned how you don’t feel strong but you are; you are so very strong. God has strengthened you through this time and it’s been proven through your words that have affected so many of us, challenging us to really look at our individual walk with Christ. I know for myself that you have inspired me, encourage me, caused me to reflect upon what I believe and how strong I believe it. God has used and continues to use Stephanie’s and your life to draw people closer to Him.

    The most difficult times in our life is when the rubber meets the road…those moments and events in our lives that force us to either stand firmly on what we say we believe or disavow it and walk away. Those are very hard decisions, that many are never forced to make because they don’t face situations like this one. You have shown tremendous faith when you don’t understand (Matthew 17:20). You’ve shown great strength in facing one of the most difficult situation that life can throw at you (Isaiah 41:10). You’ve allowed us all to see the picture of the love you have for your wife (1 John 4:7). All of these things are evidence of the realness of God and His Word. Take heart; your faith is well-placed in Him. You can really believe it! Rest assured, you will see Stephanie again, and in the mean time, she gets to rejoice in the presence of the very one who created her and gave His life for her.

  50. Brad, Brady, Halle, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Stephanie’s Storkie Sisters will never forget her. I will forever be touched by Stephanie’s story.

    God bless,
    Heather

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