How could this have happened? I’m still reeling about it and will be for years to come, most likely. I know that full well. Nothing makes it easier, and I don’t expect anything to make it easier. Time might help, I’m sure. But there’s still this absolute hatred I have towards time because it takes me further away from the days I had Stephanie with me still. I don’t want to move on.
The doctor ran a test around 2am to confirm their suspicions, and she was officially pronounced as having passed at that time. For me, I think it actually probably happened Sunday night when her brain functions diminished and her breathing was no longer above the ventilator. That’s also when I stopped feeling to wait. But officially, it happened this early this morning.
I have these moments where I’m terrified that maybe I’m wrong about everything regarding God. I’ve never felt more forced to deal with what I really believe than now, when my wife’s eternity is just beginning. If what I believe is right, then I can have hope for her and desperation for that day that I will join her. For me, I’ve never really questioned things, and when I did, it was only for developing my own arguments for how sure I am in my faith. And, deep inside me, there’s no way I could ever question my faith to a point where I would turn from it. But it’s just critical now that what I believe is true, so I can’t help but find out where I stand. I hate it.
I just don’t know how this has happened. A year ago, she had never had a seizure that we knew about. Life was “normal” and we were just living our lives like any other couple. I know I’m not the only one with such circumstances and realizations. For some people, it’s a car crash or something even more sudden, and here I am saying how fast this happened. For any of us in this position, it just doesn’t seem possible. I can’t comprehend it.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I continue to mourn with you through my tearful sobs and prayers for you and your family. Your struggle and pain has not been in vain. You have touched so many lives.
Michelle
Another Storkie sister here. I am grieving for you and your family, Brad. God bless you and be with you in the days to come.
Brad, Brady & Halle, I am truely sorry for your loss. As others have said, your thoughts and words from this time will be amazing for your children at a later date. To know the love between two people is amazing. And when they read of your faith through this trying time, my hope is that they continue what you have instilled in them. And I would like to thank you for awakening a part in me. Take care of those babies & keep all the memories alive. Love to you, your children & to both families. ~Amanda & Family
Dear Brad,
There is The Before, and there is The After. The After during an event like this is horrific. It’s muddled with thoughts–and wishes to return to– The Before. Take each day as it comes. Don’t think about moving on; just get through the day. Look to the cross. You are a baptized, redeemed, cherished child of God. He will not forsake you. He will not abandon you. And He will not let you fall.
May the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Amen.
.
I can’t say I understand what you’re feeling, but I do believe I grasp the pain you must be going through. This will understandably test your faith more than ever before. I know there is little consolation in hearing the story of Job, but he suffered greatly as well. The rollercoaster you’re on will be climbing hills and plummeting the other side for quite awhile. Steph would be so proud of how you handled yourself in all of this.
Praying that you’ll find the answers you need in Him. I am so deeply sorry, Brad. I’ve been praying for days like so many others…checking your blog for news…and this is not what any of us wanted to hear. We will continue to hold up you and your precious children in prayer. It’s hard to understand how we are expected to live through such tragedy, but God will make a way.
“We can cry with HOPE. We can say goodbye with HOPE, cause we know our goodbye is not the end. We can grieve with HOPE, cause we believe with HOPE, there’s a place where we’ll see your face again.” …Steven Curtis Chapman.
I didn’t know Stephanie, but I am looking forward to meeting her one sweet day!
Brad,
I have been following your blog, and lifting you and your family up to the Father, since Saturday when I found out through mutual friends/cousins on Facebook about the need for prayer…My heart breaks for you and your children. Often your blog brought me to tears as I shared your pain through your writing and wrestled with God over why this would happen. He whispered a simple truth into my heart today to pass onto you. It is something God has taught me much about recently with my own hardships, which truly pale in comparison to what you are experiencing. In Ecclesiastes 3, the author spoke about how there is a season and time for everything. After that though, he goes on to write that:
“He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from beginning to the end.” (v. 11)
When I questioned God about His timing for the difficult seasons in life, He revealed to me that some things I will not be able to fully comprehend this side of Heaven. The concept of eternity is etched into our hearts, yet we cannot grasp it. In the same way, sometimes He brings us through the fire to fulfill His purposes that we cannot grasp at this time.
I know this cannot take away the depth of pain you are in. This blog has freshly filled me with awe over the body of Christ, and please know that as your sister in Christ, I am continually praying for you and your family. Every time I hear the song “Light Up the Sky” by The Afters I lift you up.
There is a song by Britt Nicole called “Have Your Way”, and it has spoken to and carried me through so much. I wanted to share it with you:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xEVlau4VEJk
Some of the lyrics include:
But you never said the road would be easy,
But you said that you would never leave.
And you never promised that this life wasn`t hard,
But you promised you`d take care of me.
So I`ll stop searching for the answers,
I`ll stop praying for an escape,
And I`ll trust you,God, with where i am,
And believe that you will have your way.
Just have your way.
Just have your way.
Even if my dreams have died,
And even if i don`t survive,
I`ll still worship you with all my life.
My life.
May God wrap you in His beautifully strong arms of comfort and peace.
Alicia D.
We pray that God gives you the peace that passes all understanding. Our hearts ache with you and for you. Just know that we are here for you and will be praying for you and your precious little ones continually.
Lisa
October 13th, 2010 on 12:58 pm
Brad, after I wrote to you with the name “Lisaâ€,the mom with 11 children as one who one day ‘shall fall asleep’ as Stephanie has, I realized that there were many “Lisa’s†on this board. My last name is Nieman, if you should ever wish to contact me. My email is lisamommyof11@yahoo.com. Don’t feel obligated at all. But I want you to know that I am praying always for you and your little ones. And that when I shall fall asleep like Stephanie is now I would yearn for you to be at peace and that would bask in the endless expressions of your love. Not all women are blessed with such loving devotion. You are a true gift to her and but a foreshadowing of her Bridegroom that awaits her so very soon. If there is ANYTHING I can pray for please let me know. As for me, I see things from Stephanie’s bed…we are ‘thorn sisters’, of a sort, and we earnestly await that glory day when that thorn in the flesh with be removed and there will be no more pain, no more crying, no more tears, no more sorrow, no more imperfect fallen bodies to slow us down. And all the recipes always turn our perfect. No more salvaging to piece together our dream kitchens. Our whole families at our tables including our miscarried children that have gone before us sitting in their highchairs. Meeting them for the 1st time. I know that is then and that is now. And you still need to think about tomarrow morning without you at her side. But soldier on brave man of God. Be strong and very courageous, for a little boy and a little girl are watching you to see in your life the kind of God we serve. Tell the story often and tell it well. Help them to marvel at his mercy and his grace in their lives. But do not hide from them the reality of living in a sin-scarred and fallen world filled with enmity and strife.A world temporarily under the spell of those spiritually blinded to the light of HIs truth. They point out so much more clearly why Christ had to suffer and die for their sins to bring us life everlasting. That life her on earth is but a whisper, a blade of grass that blows away, a fading flower that wilts and is disrobed of its beauty when it falls to the ground.
Brad–I have been, and will continue to be in prayer for you and for your family, and Stephanie’s, too. I am so sorry for this terrible and unfathomable loss. I pray that God will grant you peace and comfort in the difficult days to come.
I have no inspirational words at a time like this. I wish I did. She will live in my heart forever. I pray for peace and strength to come to you in your time of need. Stephanie was an amazing woman who touched the lives of everyone she ever met. May god bless and guide you through to find the sunshine again.
praying still. a different sort of prayer now. For you and for your children.
Lord, hold Brad and his children in your everlasting arms today. Give Brad the strength to be the daddy his little ones need even while he is grieving greatly.
Brad, my heart is breaking for you and your kids. I’m so thankful that our hope is in Christ and not in things of this world. Please keep writing your blog – I really believe that the things you are writing are witnessing to many in a very big way right now and will continue to do so.
~Gayle
This heart-wrenching journey was predestined by a sovereign God. He knew how Stephanie would spend the last days of her life. He knew how Brad would handle the unthinkable, and He knew what an impact this blog would have on people who don’t know each other from strangers on the street. The sorrow for this family can’t be to put into words, but what will we do with it? Is God calling us to a new perspective, an eternal perspective? Brad and Stephanie have an eternal perspective. This perspective along with the Holy Spirit and the prayers of many are what allow Brad to take his next breath today. Will we say “I am so so sorry for them” or will we live differently because of their example?
God bless and comfort you and your family Brad, you may never know the full reach of your “journey” on the lives of others until we get to heaven.
My heart breaks for you. I will be praying for you and your family. May His everlasting comfort be yours today and always.
Broken for you, today, Brad. Praying that the Holy Spirit will hold you and your babies up…spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally. Stephanie is a great, great loss.
My heart breaks today. Sending much love and many prayers to you and your family.
I’m just so, so sorry.
Brad – I’m deeply saddened to hear of Stephanie’s passing. Your family has been on my heart and mind constantly over the past week and a half. I’ll continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Brad,
As another husband and father I can’t imagine the pain you’re in right now. My wife is my rock, my best friend, my confidante, my partner, the love of my life and everything I do is for her and without her I have no idea where or in what condition I would be right now. I wish I could offer some words of comfort or encouragement but anything I would say seems hollow and insufficient. Even passages of Scripture, God’s spoken word, would be of little comfort to me if I were in your situation. You are a better man than I for how you are handling this and I commend you for it. After reading your blog and following the situation with my wife I have come to realize even more that our lives are not our own and are in the hands of an all-knowing and all-powerful God. This realization and your situation have made cherish the time that God gives me with my family even more. Obviously I pray for your and your children’s future but the one prayer I can’t stop praying on your behalf is that the Lord will show you WHY He has chosen to take her from you now. That is the prayer that I would pray over and over and have prayed when difficult situations come along in my life. I can’t know your pain nor would I ever want to but know that as a brother in Christ, your wife’s Savior and in whose presence she is right now, I am lifting you and your children up in prayer. God bless.
Brad,
I praise God for you!!! Let me explain, Although I do not know how you are feeling (my heart grieves for you) I do know and understand how your children will feel as I lost my mother and little brother at the age of 5.It was very dificult to say the least. The big difference is they(Your Children) Have something i never had, and that is a Godly Father who no doubt will teach and nourish them with all the wisdom of god by the holy spirit through our lord and savior Jesus Christ. I pray and know that you will be strengthened. I also know that Our lord who was with me and has to this day proven himself faithful to me will be holding you and your children in his arms and will use all of you in a mighty way to glorify him and build his kingdom.. I love you brother
Brad,
I am terribly sorry for your tremendous loss, Brad.
**HUGE HUG** You can never get enough hugs and support at a time like this.
My mere words seem as though they’ll be little comfort to you at this time, yet I feel compelled to write and reach out to you. My heart is so sad and so heavy right now, and believe me, the tears are flowing like a waterfall. I will continue to pray for you and for your children. I know it’s so hard to see right now, and so much easier for me to say because I’m not in your shoes, but God will provide you with everything you need, and He will give you strength and show you the way to travel, even if it seems like moving in any direction is just too much to bear right now. I know you know and believe this, too.
If there is anything at all that you need, please do not hesitate to reach out at any time.
Denise
Brad,
I never met Stephanie but Kraig pointed her out to me at a PHBC function a couple of years ago. I have been reading your blog for the past week or so and want you to know that our hearts have been absolutely breaking for you and for your kids. Your pain is not in vain though, as you know, since all of your posts are pointing people toward God’s goodness. Praise God for your steadfastness, and continue to put your faith in Him during this tremendously difficult time. I wish we could tell you in person how very sorry we are for your loss, but thank God for the internet and the ability to tell you here- our prayers are with you from Portland, Oregon.
Praise God for Stephanie’s story, and for your testimony. May He give you strength.
-Kraig and Jacquelyn Buesch
Brad, I am so very sorry that this has happened to you and your children. Sorry, that they will never remember their beautiful, wonderful and godly mother. You, your family and friends will keep her memory alive for them. They will know that she was a very special and wonderful mom. My heart breaks, will keep you all in my prayers.
Brad,
I’ve been where you are. I lost my first husband to cancer when we were both in our early 20’s. It hurts! Lord, it hurts! It will continue to hurt however, hang on to your faith in God. He will never leave you nor forsake you. He is your rock (and will be in the days to come), your fortress, your help in every type of need. Know that many are lifting you before the Lord and that you can and will be comforted by the God of all comfort. He knows your every need.
I would encourage you to read through the Psalms. There is much comfort to be had as well as seeing David cry out to our Lord for his needs. The Lord hears your cries and cares deeply for you. So deeply that every one of your hairs is numbered.
I pray that you will be strengthened and encouraged in the days ahead and that your earthly friends will support you and be the arms and feet of Jesus, our Lord and Savior.
God Bless.
Teresa
Brad, we are deeply sorry for your loss. We will continue to pray that God will comfort you and yours in His loving arms.
I am praying for you and your little ones. (My little ones go to the same school.)
When you are reviewing these notes in the difficult months to come, be reminded that we serve a kind, glorious God who is big enough to handle our doubts, our fears, our anger, even- and you know this is straight from the word- our disbelief. Turn to Him in your time of pain and He will help you move through.
Lord God, hold back any and every evil thing that might try to prey on this Godly man during this terrible time. Send your angels to put a wall of protection around him so he can grieve and eventually rebuild a new life with his children. Amen.
Thinking of you Brad. Give those kids a big hug and don’t let go.
Brad, my heart aches and feels like it has broken in two for you. I have been weeping and praying for you since I found out about your situation and God keeps bringing this verse to my mind:
‘One thing God has spoken,
Two things have I heard:
That you, O God, are strong,
And that You, O Lord, are loving.’
Psalm 62: 11-12
I don’t know if God was giving this verse to me or if it was meant for you, but every time I think about you, this verse pops into my mind. Phil and I live in Brunswick, and so we aren’t too far from you. If you ever need help with anything, even if it is 10 years from now, please don’t hesitate to ask. We love you.
~Janean Nass
Dear Brad,
We are praying without ceasing for you and your precious children. We know that this day seems surreal to you…and yet we completely understand not wanting to let this day go onto the next. We know that it is the love and prayers of your family and friends and even those you may never meet, ushering up prayer after prayer to the One who holds you and is weeping with you…and the One who will carry you and your children through moment by moment. He will be your breath, He will be your strength. We are continuing to trust Him for what we can’t possibly understand….”I lift up my eyes to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord”
Psalm 121:1 Brad, we will be there to help you look up………..love, the hickey family
Hi Brad,
We dont know each other, but through a mutual friend I was invited to to pray for you and your family. I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I cant imagine the pain, confusion, and hurt you are feeling now. It is certainly not the same thing, but 2 1/2 years ago my little brother was killed in a car accident. In the blink of an eye my life was changed forever. Even now its hard to express the pain I felt and still feel. I will pray that the Lord will bring you comfort and strength to make it through each day. Sometimes it is a glorious gift to just survive each day, taking it moment by moment. Know that it is ok to just make it through each day right now. Let the body of Christ carry you and your family through. Praying for you.
Tara
Brad, I am so so so so sorry for the loss of your sweet sweet bride and the mother of your children. I have no words that can possible comfort you or dull your pain. Only at the cross of Jesus. He is there with you weeping with Martha, Mary, and their kin, even though He knew all along that he would raise them from the dead. He knew the rest of the story! He knew he was going to do a miracle. So what was He cryin’ for? Why did it take Him 3 mosey-along days to get there? But it didn’t keep Him from being totally present with them right there in the moment with them. Every bit a living, breathing, and sobbing part of their very broken souls at the time. And He is the with you just like that for you, dear. Always has been, in good times when He laughs with you,and in the time to grieve and put on sack cloth and ashes and scrape you skin with shards of pottery in pain too great to bear. You are not alone. Not with God…not with so great a cloud of witnesses as this…not with the innocent trusting eyes of your children, not with the arms of your wonderful family engulfing you in the warmth of their embrace. Go in peace Brad, you love and serve the Lord. She sleeps no longer. She dances and shouts and sings for JOY!!! And she and Jesus want you to sing for joy, again, when you are ready, one day too. Lifting you up constantly. Lisa Nieman. And if you ever want any help with those babies…you just let me know. There are ALWAYS room for more babies at our house;)
I don’t know you, but I’m praying for you. You have touched my heart through this blog, and I will be praying fervently for you ad your family.
Hold on Brad. I’m so sorry about your Stephanie. Be angry, question God… He can take it. But, don’t question what you believe. Your faith and belief is part of what makes you…you. Praying for you.
Brad, I can’t give you comforting words to ease your pain. I’m not going to give you lyrics or some bible verse that will probably seem flat and lifeless. I’ve been there.
I can only offer you what Papa has taught me during my trials:
I shared everything with Him – every thought, every doubt, every feeling. He is very close. When I feel lonely, He whispers that He’s with me. When I feel weak and unmotivated, He says “Keep moving forward!” When I’m at the end of my sanity, He miraculously gives me peace.
There are two truths that I held on to during the hard days: 1. Papa is good and 2. Papa loves me. There were days when I had to say those two truths out loud over and over to hold on to my faith.
He’s with you, my friend…ALWAYS. Stay close and keep moving forward. I will be praying for you brother!
I can’t even process that this is real. I feel like its all a dream and I’m going to get an e-mail that Stephanie commented on my facebook picture. I’m so sorry Brad, for you and your family. We are praying as always.
My heart grieves with you. I am so sorry. But as we all know you will see her again. God bless you and your precious babies, and may He comfort you and give you the strength and the grace to carry on. I will continue to lift you up in prayer through this difficult and painful time.
Brad, I am so sorry for you and your children’s loss. No amount of words will take away the pain you are feeling and will feel for some time. I am praying for you and your family, but I rejoicing that Stephanie is healed and sitting at the side of our Heavenly Father.
Brad,
I am here. If you need anything – anything I can physically do is yours. I/We have been praying for you and yours. If you need a sitter for the munchkins or just someone to sit down with to talk.
I have no way of compairing what you are going through just that yrs ago my aunt lost her husband of just a few yrs and she was 6mnths pregnant with their 1st child (a boy). My cousin is now 21. My aunt kept close to God and kept herself surrounded by loved ones.
You and your babies are loved by so many….
Brad, I am so, so sorry. I just can’t help feeling how unfair this is. Your wife was a beautiful person. I was on her “Babies Born” board for your daughter. She was not only gorgeous on the outside, but seemed like an amazing person. Even though I never “met” her in real life, I feel like I’ve lost a friend. You don’t know me, but if you ever find yourself near Virginia Beach, shoot me an e-mail. I’d love to meet you & your kids.
xo and {{{HUGS}}} strength coming your way from me.
Another stranger who followed and prayed with you on this journey. Stephanie lives on in your love, your children and your fairh in Our Lord. “Be not afraid, He goes before you always…just follow him”. You and your family remain in my prayers, as my heart aches for you and your families.
Hi Brad,
Just found your blog through a friend. I have other friends grieving for the loss of their spouses also and currently have under gone the possible loss of a child.
The hope I cling to is also found in Christ and in the knowledge that eternity is close and we will be rejoined with those who share our hope in Jesus.
God Bless,
Jennifer Bell
Brad I am so sorry to hear about Stephanie’s end. I have been keeping you and your children in my thoughts since I first heard of her seizures and will light a candle tonight in her memory. Blessed be and I hope that in time you heal.
Another Storkie Sister praying for your family. I don’t have any answers or the right words but I do know that God will bring you through this valley and will do amazing things for your family. Hold tight to Him.
Psalm 23
4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, [a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
Much love coming your way from Nashville.
Hi Brad…I just received your most devistating news. I am so sorry to hear about Stephanie’s passing. My heart just aches for you and your family. I pray as time passes you’ll feel the comfort that only God can give knowing she’s dancing in Heaven with our wonderful Father…and no more seizures. You’re a wonderful writer Brad…don’t stop your blog…it’s healing for you and encouraging to us who read it. Am sending you a BIG Momma V hug. Please let me know if there is ever anything I can do. (LeAnn former assistant in FFI).
Brad,
nothing to say but i am sad with you.
i will pray for you and your family.
mookie
I’m really sorry. Please know that my family and classmates are praying for you and your family. I hope your kids are doing okay.
Dear Brad, I found out about your and Stephanie’s struggle through my friends Gina and Ben, and have been praying for you and keeping your whole family in my thoughts. I will continue to do so in the days ahead, and I hope that the good news of Christ’s death and resurrection bring you comfort in the coming days. I also want to share with you something that my parents (both of them Lutheran ministers) told me when I was young and had experienced my first major loss that made no sense–it’s OK to be mad at God because God can take it, and God knows that it doesn’t mean we have no faith. Through all of this, no matter what feelings and thoughts you have, there are people who are keeping you in their prayers and sending you their love!
Brad-
My husband, Chris, and i just read your entries about your wife. Please know that my family is praying for you, your kids, and your family. I cannot imagine the difficult time you are going through. Know that we are praying with you.
Chris and Cassie Reed
Grieving for you and with you at this time. Celebrating in a bittersweet way that Stephanie is in Heaven meeting her Maker. Our family prayers will continue to be with you…always. I am putting your family’s names in my Bible as a constant reminder of you and your children and how I can easily add you and your children to the prayers I have for my family…my children. Cling to God, Brad…even when you are angry and grieving…cling…and He will cling back.