The Cheeze Blog

You can never know what’s going to make a day (more like a moment) difficult or not. It seems to come out of nowhere. Brady woke up this morning coughing quite a bit. And, even though I usually got up with the kids so Stephanie could rest, I greatly noticed her absence this morning. I guess I’ve been mostly just sleeping in late enough to avoid that feeling in the past weeks. It’s a feeling that sucks (sorry for the “language,” but there’s no other word for it) like no other.

What probably is going through my head is the lack of that morning routine, where I’d get Brady up, start Stephanie’s coffee and go cuddle her every five minutes until she got up. She was always so cute to me in the morning (and all other times, too). Getting ready for work was uneventful, but then I got hugs and kisses from all and a big wave by everyone out the picture window as I drove off.

I know the memories are a blessing, but they often (at least for now) walk that line at the edge of a curse. Jerks!

Stephanie and I have always loved movies. We both had large collections before we got married and had a total of about 300+ movies when we got married. I think the biggest reason we both love them is because we always find parallels to real life or see some deeper meaning in the story being told (whether intended or not). We love seeing the characters change and learn from the events that play out, and I think we both often take something away from movies that we see.

We have seen less and less movies in the theater over time (despite our best wishes) because of having kids and less money. I’m sure many of you know how that goes. One movie we did make sure to see this year was “Inception.” We both loved it, which came as no surprise as we both really love the writer/director, Christopher Nolan. We loved it so much, in fact, that for her birthday (October 1), we saw the movie a second time. That says a lot for how many movies we wish we could see in the theater and how few we have seen recently. (Warning: there may be some light spoilers in the rest of this paragraph.) I find some similarities from that movie now in my life. It was always a dream of ours to be married for fifty years. And, like I’ve said, in some ways we acted like we had been married for fifty years. I feel a little like Leonardo Dicaprio, where his wife was no longer alive, but they had experienced a full fifty years of marriage in their own little dream world. I feel a little like Stephanie and I had that, and it actually makes me feel a little better to think about it like that.

Brady asked to watch “Finding Nemo” tonight. I hadn’t considered the movie much before agreeing to it, because we have always loved Pixar movies. I had forgotten about the opening scene. Thankfully, I didn’t lose it right then and there, even though it’s easy to be reminded of my life now. What really surprised me even more was later in the movie when Marlin is sharing his story with the sea turtles and the story travels the entire ocean. I am so touched by how many people have shared my story across the globe, and thus given me more help than I ever imagined possible. I was telling all my closest friends about what was going on, and now people who have never met me are praying and reaching out to me with their support. I’d say that’s pretty cool.

Like I said, we love the parallels and lessons that we can take away from movies.

I was meant for marriage. I’ve long known that and it only became more apparent to me as I got older. Now what I have to do is figure out how to negotiate that with my current situation. Stephanie was the same as me. We both knew for our entire lives that we wanted to be married some day. Married and raising kids was a lifelong dream.

We both also went through at least a couple years of being single during our early twenties that gave us some time to figure out who we are for ourselves. God taught us how to be content having no one else but Him in our lives, and we were both so thankful for that. We got to a place where we were no longer expecting to get married and could be content if we never did.

One of my favorite lines from a book about marriage (“Sacred Marriage” by Gary Thomas) goes something like “If we want to serve God, we should remain single; if we want to be like Jesus Christ, we should get married.” I love that quote because neither option is greater than the other. Both honor God so highly and serve Him in every way. For me, it was particularly exciting to think about the prospect of being more like Christ, and saw how marriage could really make a person more like Christ because of the intensely close relationship that marriage is. “As iron sharpens iron,” right?

Anyway, the point is that now I have to figure out how to reorient my life. Taking that quote, it would seem that now would be a great opportunity to serve God more directly. The one thing I didn’t expect in the equation was the fact that I have already been married and I now have kids. I don’t have any answers to these questions now, but I do feel like God has been helping me to serve Him more and showing me how to use my additional time for His glory (though that extra time is minimal because of the kids). I think my life has to make a shift, but I have to figure out what that’s going to be exactly.

Penny Adams is a coworker of mine who takes incredibly beautiful photography. She is currently showing incredible generosity to me and donating all her profits to me and my kids. I encourage you to visit her site and maybe consider adding one of her photos to your life, as photographs can speak beauty into our lives unlike anything else.

I was able to make it to church this past Sunday. I knew it would be good for my kids, if not me as well. The sermon was about worshiping God in all circumstances. “All circumstances” takes on a new meaning for me these days. But, I can say that I’ve never wanted to declare God’s goodness more in these days than ever before. I can’t quite explain it, but rather than be convinced that God is bad or evil – as some might expect – I’m only convinced more and more how good He really is, and how kind He is to us.

One of the songs we sang at the funeral service was “You Alone” by The David Crowder Band. It says, “You alone are Father, and you alone are good. You alone are Savior, and you alone are God.” I had requested this song, actually, because it is such a simple proclamation of God being good.

It’s hard, of course, to always see how this could be a good situation, but I have to keep looking outside my own life. Just because it’s not a good situation for me doesn’t mean that it’s not a good situation (either for others, or at least for God). It sucks. It sucks real bad. And I hate it. But God is good and that gives me such comfort. I know He has plans for me, and those plans are for my good and to prosper me (Jeremiah 29:11), but it’s just going to be some time before I see that.

I remember one night in college that was a particularly horrible night for me. I was up all night crying and praying and aching and hurting. I couldn’t understand how things had gotten so bad for me, but even a year later I saw how incredibly God was using that night for my good and His glory. (I think it was even days later that I started to see some of that.)

The analogy is always made to human parents and children. We love our kids and tell them “no” sometimes or bring things into their lives that they don’t necessarily like, but we are looking at the bigger picture and we are shaping them so they will be successful as adults, even if they don’t like it as a 3-year-old. We’re the 3-year-old and God is our Father. I know God is going to use this for my good, and that’s why I am fully convinced that God is good. The book of James talks about difficult situations helping us to mature, so I praise God for His goodness to think I deserve His instruction and guidance towards maturity.

As I type this, it almost sounds like lip service, but I’ve never felt so convinced of anything in my life. I’m not saying it’s easy, and I definitely don’t want this, but I keep trying to live in the moment while also looking to the future and how this can make me more like Christ. I hope it comes soon.

I have lots to say tonight, it seems. Truth is, I’m growing rather fond of this whole blogging thing.

In preparation of the viewing times and funeral service, I’ve been going through the scads of digital photos that Stephanie have. Each time I sat down to sort them and gather them all together, I spent most of the time being okay. But, as the time goes on, I start really focusing on individual pictures as opposed to groups of them, and I find myself falling desperately head over heels in love with my wife again and again. Then comes the bittersweet, and I ache for that love lost. I can’t describe how beautiful she is to me, and I worry that I didn’t make it plain enough to her. Maybe I did, but I wish I could make it clearer and plainer.

It probably wasn’t smart for me to be looking through pictures at night, as night is the worst time for the pain. I find myself lying in bed desperate to find a dark alley in my mind where thoughts of her can be avoided simply so I can spare the tears and fall asleep before it comes flooding in. But we shared so much – everything, really – so there’s nowhere, no thought that is safe from thoughts of her. It’s ironic that I spent all my marriage thankful for everything we shared and how much of life we experienced together, and now it’s the thing that plagues me in her absence. I guess you can’t have one without the other.

Sigh. Speaking of bedtime…

I’m sure I’ve probably mentioned this before, but I can’t help but bring it up again because it just amazes me every time I think about it. What I’m referring to is the amazing power of God and how He works through us, His people. I don’t fully understand how it is that He wants to work through us, but boy does He.

I was reminded of this today while at the funeral home and got to meet a few people face-to-face who, as of two weeks ago, wouldn’t know me from a hole in the wall. And yet, today, they were so concerned for me that they came to bless me and my family with their sympathies.

Sure, maybe you can try to convince me that it’s just human nature to care for others. But this is different, and if you’ve felt the love of Christ as expressed from one person to another through the Holy Spirit, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Words can’t describe it and our minds can’t understand it. As I think on these things, it’s not so much the love of other people that overwhelms my heart, but rather the love of God and realization of how much He cares for someone like me, who is really just a speck on this rock of a planet.

I have to say it again: thank you all for how much you have loved me and my family and cared for us. God’s love knows no bounds. Awesome!

I’ve received quite a few comments in relation to Stephanie being an organ donor. It has done me a lot of good to hear the impact that this has on people. Stephanie always said, “Well, why wouldn’t I donate them? It’s not like I need them anymore.” I always felt the same way. I found out that only 3% of people pass away in such a manner that they are able to donate their organs. I’ve mentioned it before, but this is typical for Stephanie – if there’s a small percentage of chance for something medically, Stephanie will fit into that percentage.

She was also a “full donor,” which is also rare. Because she was young and very healthy (sadly, not in the way we needed), she was able to donate virtually everything. What surprised us the most was her heart, which we were told was in better shape that probably everyone else in the room. That confuses me, as it was the halted beating of her heart that took her from me. Even her intestines were donated (along with her liver to one person, if I’m not mistaken), which I’m told is a difficult organ to find a donor.

Anyway, I’m so glad for being able to do this, even as gut-wrenching as it was to even be able to make that decision. I also feel for those people receiving organs, as they are no doubt aware how it is they are receiving them. I have to imagine that is a horrible position in which to be.

On a related note, a full class of neurology students were able to come into the ICU before Stephanie donated to get to learn from her. Stephanie and I both had our moments of students coming in to see our cases (I had extreme ingrown toenails and she had extreme allergies). Anyway, I know we were both always glad for that opportunity and Stephanie was very big on that type of thing. The LifeBanc representative knew my feelings on this, and I’m grateful she asked about it. I’m hoping to hear some helpful results from the autopsy, as well, maybe even something that will help other epilepsy patients and/or my kids.

I highly believe that to experience a miracle, you have to be looking for one. God so often works in mysterious ways that we too easily miss it. He tends to “fly under the radar,” working in ways that seem reasonable or sometimes logical, but we’re usually just fooling ourselves when we think like that. A couple things have happened in the past few days to bless me in this way.

First of all, I don’t have a good black suit. The only suit I have is years old and is olive green (it was in style when I got it). I knew I needed a black suit, but never could find reason to spend the money. Sadly, I found a reason. A friend of ours from the church Stephanie worked at (and I grew up in) works at a department store where we were able to get an employee’s discount. As soon as we arrived, another person who knows us was just arriving, and insisted (I mean insisted) on paying for the suit. I was not worried about the money at all, really, but this person was determined to pay for it. And like I said in my previous post, I know people want to help in any way they can.

While leaving the department store, I ran across another friend who informed me that a P.O. box had been set up for people to be able to send to that address. This would preserve my household privacy (while emotionally/mentally/spiritually, I prefer not to have privacy as you’ve no doubt noticed). That was something I would have never thought of and am so thankful for the idea and for the work done to open the box.

Lastly, two nights ago, I was lying in my bed at my house. It was just me (the kids are at my parents and that’s where I’ve been staying mostly) and it was quiet and dark and sad. I had spent some time crying, but it was late and I knew I just needed to fall asleep. I was crying out to God that He would at least help me fall asleep if He was so insistent to not say “yes” to my cries for a miracle. As I was finally drifting into the night, I heard some books fall over which have been stacked in our room for at least a month or more (without having fallen yet, mind you). I had to turn on the light to see what was going on and found a book Stephanie had been reading called “When Life Is Hard” by James MacDonald. I don’t even know why she was reading it (though suspect it was after one of our three miscarriages), but I started into it and it sounds like a perfect book for everything going on. I couldn’t keep my eyes open too long and fell asleep after finishing a few pages.

These are the type of things I’m talking about, though. Anyone could easily explain these away as coincidence or randomness. But when it really comes down to it, I can’t believe these events are anything less than miracles from God. And, for as much as they can, they are helping to sustain me through this time. I’m keeping my eyes on the lookout for anything else that God is using to encourage me.

One of the greatest miracles, of course, is how I started this blog to make it easier on me to keep everyone updated with the news and spare myself writing 30 emails a day. Now thousands are reading and as many are praying for me and reaching out to me and encouraging me. That is the miracle of God’s people and His providence to see me through it all. Thank you again, for being a part of the miracle.

This post is just a few things to note, but are important to me. First of all, I know so many people have offered to help and want to do something. While Stephanie and I are the types to try to do it all for ourselves, I have learned over the years that it is just as selfish to deny help that is offered as it is to deny offering help.

I in no way like asking for things or feel like I deserve any more from anyone than I’ve already gotten – and that is all the love, support and prayers and friends and family. Temporal gifts are certainly useful in this life, but I have been blessed beyond measure through all of this and have no expectations of people or of God that haven’t already been far exceeded.

But, again, I know some of you want to do something, and I understand that, at least for some, it is a way for you to grieve with me. With that in mind, and especially with having my dear Brady and Halle, I have set up a memorial fund for Stephanie that will be used for hospital bills or daily necessities for me and the kids. It is at my discretion how to use it, but please know that I will my the wisest choices I can with the money I receive, whether it’s $5 or more. Again, no obligation to give, but for those who want to, here is the info:

Make checks payable to Fifth Third Bank with “LUCZYWO FUND” in the memo and submitted at any branch or sent to Fifth Third Bank, 7414 Broadview Road, Parma, OH 44134.

Also, you can see the online obituary posted via the funeral home.