The Cheeze Blog

I have this daydream where I come home like I always do to find Stephanie working on dinner and the kids come running into my arms. She tells me when the food will be ready, we kiss and embrace, and I melt to feel her in my arms again. How many days that has been the story. It never lost its meaning to me, and now there’s a threat to that ever happening again.

I miss her.

I miss normalcy and being home.

I have bounced around so much between all the different emotions associated with something like this. Most often I find myself back at one emotion: anger.

I’m angry that this could happen so suddenly. How does this happen? How is it that a week ago, we were both at home, enjoying a wonderful relaxing day together, and yet 2 hours later, my world crashed. I’m really angry that it happened, and I hate how quickly it did. There is no ignoring the thousands of “what ifs” even though I know it does no good and is only making things worse for me.

I’m angry that we thought seizures couldn’t do her any harm. I’m aware that the seizure itself hasn’t done this, but we had no idea that she could stop breathing and have cardiac arrest because of a seizure. I’m mad I didn’t know that. And that’s a “what if” – I might have called 911 even sooner (not that I waited that long, but I’ve seen so many seizures, I didn’t call immediately). Of course, I would have spent the past year even more terrified, I suppose.

I’m angry for my kids. Don’t get me wrong – it’s going to be beyond miserable for me if God decides not to heal her. But my kids will not have their mother to raise them, and that’s just not fair.

I’m angry because it isn’t fair. That’s one thought I have constantly. She’s 33! That’s not fair. It’s not fair to her, or to me, or to my kids. It’s not fair that her own grandparents, let alone parents, will bury her.

I’m angry because of how good we had it. We loved our life together so much, and it’s not fair that it was cut so short. I’m glad we managed to cram 50 years into 5, it seems, but I wanted to cram 500 years into 50. I want my wife back and I want my marriage back and I want normalcy back.

I’ve managed to be careful about being angry at God. In general, I’m not angry at Him. I don’t blame Him for this. I know it’s only because of man’s sin that pain and death exist. And I’m angry at man and sin for that. I know “all” the answers for times like this. I know God knows what He’s doing. I guess what frustrates me is that I don’t know what He’s doing and I wish He would tell me. I’m angry to not know.

I’m so weary of waiting. I am so completely worn out. My heart is stretched and my eyes are heavy and my mind is exhausted and my emotions are spent. I have felt everything so powerfully over the past week, and now I am just at a stand still of sorts. I don’t want to be here anymore, but being at the hospital is not the problem. Being in this “place” is the problem.

I’m not just a little angry, either. I want to rage out, grab the chair I’m sitting in and start smashing it into things. Sadly, I’m a rational and non-destructive person and can’t get myself to do just that. (Maybe later, though.)

I hate to talk about a righteous anger because that just seems like a cop-out to me for being angry. I’m not trying to make excuses, or to make it sound like I have every right to be angry. But at the same time, I can’t find any reason not to be.

Sweets,

I love you more than I ever knew I could love. God has given us such a beautiful marriage. We started off as such good friends, and we couldn’t help but to fall in love with each other. You are my best friend. You are my confidante. You are my lover. You are my other half. I adore you.

Every time I think of you, I am just amazed at how beautiful you are, both physically and in personality. I find it impossible to take my eyes off of you. When I can’t see you with my eyes, I do so with my heart. I love your hair and your eyes and your sweet smile as you look at me. I love your skin and the way I can hold you forever. I love the way you fit so well in my arms. I love your love for other people. I love your humor and the way I can hear your stories over and over again and still laugh as hard every time. I love your strength, and even how difficult you can be sometimes.

Remember how good we were together? We used to always say that, huh? “We’re good together, you and me.” Oh, how I love that about us. And we always say how we’re just like an old married couple – like we’ve been married 50 years. But we also always talk about how we are still in a honeymoon phase, and probably always will be. As my brother said, “It’s like they’re still dating.” Oh, Darling, I love our love.

I know I wasn’t always the best to you. And I know you say the same about yourself towards me. But we always figured things out and loved each other even more after those painful rifts.

This year, especially, was the most beautiful thing we could have ever hoped for. We had some amazing memories, doing those things that we’ve always loved doing together. And I couldn’t ask for a better last week with you than the one we had. If not for the seizures, I would have loved every minute of it. We laughed and played and talked and prayed. We went shopping and walking hand-in-hand and to a movie.

The one word that keeps coming to mind when I think of our marriage, Honey, is “beautiful.” There is no other word to describe it in my mind. I love you so much. Thank you for making my life so wonderful.

“Stay with me forever.” We were always telling each other that. I will, Sweetie. I will stay with you forever. I hope that we can have more time together on earth before we get to forever, but either way, I’ll be with you forever. Stay with me and I’ll stay with you.

Kisses,
B.

I’ve always loved the story in the Bible of the woman who, in the midst of a heavy crowd, found her way to Jesus’ robe and touched the very edge of it because she believed if she did that she would be healed. She was healed, of course, since she believed. I’ve been praying that God would swing his robe down low so that it would brush Stephanie and heal her.

Tomorrow morning (Saturday), a friend of a friend who doesn’t know me is driving almost three hours to pray over Stephanie because she whole-heartedly believes that Stephanie is meant to be healed. She’s not the only one who believes this, and you can read that in many of the comments. Stephanie’s healing is, of course, what I want. I think it would be a great way for God to show His power, but I’m heavily biased. (I also know He has already shown His power and will continue to do so, healing notwithstanding.)

To be honest, I find it hard not to be skeptical. I’ve never experienced something so powerful like that, and it’s hard to imagine God still pulling off such miracles these days. For as much as I try to have complete faith in God, I’ve always struggled in this area. I’m sure many of you relate to me. But I know many of you also have seen “big” miracles like that or have experienced them yourselves. I have heard story upon story about such things. I don’t want to limit God or my faith in what He can do. I have come to believe those who have told me that God is saying to “just wait” and I believe the countless people who feel God telling them that Stephanie will be healed. Many of these are people who don’t know me or Stephanie personally, and have no personal motive to feel that way. And now is the time, when the doctors have declared Stephanie to be beyond all hope. Now, God can prove that He is the only One Who can heal her.

We had some serious prayer over Stephanie tonight, asking God to protect her from any oppressing spirits, and it was amazing to feel God’s presence in the waiting area where we were.

If you want, please join us in spirit as we pray for healing for Stephanie Saturday morning from 8:30-9:30am EST. There will be four, maybe five of us in her room literally praying over her, but we all know God doesn’t have boundaries, so you’ll all be in the room with us through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Thank you again for all your love for me and for my wife. I do not deserve it, and I praise God for what He is doing and for how much He loves me (and all of us).

All of you beautiful, wonderful, caring people – your prayers are touching us all involved in this, and I pray are touching everyone reading along and reading the comments. I can feel the constant prayers for Stephanie, me, my kids and the rest of my family.

Here’s the thing, don’t stop praying when all of this is over. It warms my heart and God’s heart that so many people have gathered and so many people are praying all at once for a dear child of His and that the family of God has joined so furiously together in prayer. It is so easy to pray for something like this, in a sense, and even easy to get caught up because of the extreme situation. I know. I’ve done it myself. But all too often, I fall back to my own ways of not praying as much as I should. Please don’t do this. Honor God by praying without ceasing, whether it’s about this situation or about another or about normal day-to-day activities. He wants to know what’s going on in your lives, too. Talk to Him. Meet with Him. Hang out with Him. He’s a really cool God and loves that time with you.

And as I keep saying, this is all for naught if God is not honored in this. It’s a waste if people don’t come closer to Him because of it. Please don’t make a waste of my tragedy. I love you all, and I’m praying with you and I’m praying for you. Praise be to the Lord Almighty.

I never knew an off-the-cuff comment like “getting off the bus” would get so much play in all your comments. But I thank you all that you’re not getting off the bus, and that we’re still on this journey together. I didn’t intend to hit the brakes, and I’m so excited for where this might lead. As I read comments of changed lives and renewed relationships, I can only imagine what more might come at the hand of God. And there’s plenty more room left, so keep inviting anyone you know. God is giving me the words to say, so I thank Him for touching you all. Let’s keep driving, shall we?

After I started writing this blog, I thought about the day when I would read all my entries to Stephanie, and I would take such joy in showing her the love I have for her. I know she felt loved immensely by me, and I certainly felt loved so much by her. But I was excited to tell her how I was showing the world. And then you all started commenting and expressing your love for me and so much for her and our kids. Many of you don’t know us and have never met us, and I was so excited to read all of that to her.

I won’t get the chance to hear her response. The results came back and she showed no response to any stimuli. She also has been having anoxic myoclonus, which are muscle spasms reminiscent of seizures, but they happen because the higher brain functions aren’t available to control the spasms our bodies naturally want to do. It basically means the abilities of the top of her brain aren’t available, and that’s detrimental.

I’m still going to read to her. I’m going to read every post and every comment, until we have to decide what happens next. If you have any special memories of her you would like to share, please comment here, and she’ll get to hear them (and so will I, which I will appreciate).

A miracle is still forthcoming. God can still heal her body. I have no doubt about that. But, if that’s not the miracle He has in store, than it’s going to be some other miracle like nothing anyone has ever seen before. I know it in my soul. Thank you all again for your prayers and encouragement. This is not the end of my posts, but I understand if you get off the bus here.

The doctor just came in shortly ago to let us know that she would be free at 5pm to come talk to us. So, we wait until then to find out more. I am so thankful for so many family members and friends to be here and who will be here when that time comes. I know I will need lots of support then, no matter what the outcome. I’m nervous and anxious and impatient.

I know not everyone reading this is a born-again Christian. I thank those of you for still reading along. I don’t want to shove my beliefs and faith in your face, and I pray that I have not done that. This is who I am and my beliefs naturally come out. I won’t apologize, though, because you all need to hear what I know to be true.

I feel like there has been such a change in perspective today. Before today, I spent my moments just thinking about how Stephanie’s body has betrayed her and how her physical nature has really affected her. She has never had a strong body, from raging allergies to sickness that would last weeks (vs. days for most people). I’ve been terrified for her since the seizures started.

But after talking with friends and family, speaking with people so much more in tune with the spiritual world than I am, I am hearing constantly about the angels in the room with Stephanie and the presence of God. I remember talking to Stephanie about her seizures over the months, too, and she always told me how she felt a strong spiritual battle over her. And I know she emailed a friend a few weeks back asking for prayer over this spiritual battle. I don’t believe her seizures were caused by things of this world, but by the spiritual realm. I don’t know why the attack is on her, except to say that she’s been doing more for God loving people than Satan can handle, and Satan wants to take her out.

I’m reminding God that He doesn’t have to let Satan win this one. But if He has more of His good planned to come out of some bad for me, then so be it. Our battle is not one of flesh and blood.

It looks like they’re running that SSEP test right now. I have not yet been in to see my beautiful wife yet today, as I woke up after 7am, which is when they do shift change and can’t let anyone in. And after that, they started testing. I find myself incredibly nervous today, so I’m praying for calm and rest.

We’ll be waiting until sometime this afternoon to get the report on how this test went. If you still have prayers left for me, I continue to ask for them. Thank you all once again.

I don’t really know what to say. It seems, as I’m told, that so many people are reading this blog about my journey I’m going through now. I don’t know why so many people seem to care about me and my situation. I don’t know what God has up His sleeves with all this. I don’t know why you’re reading this right now. I pray it has been half as much blessing to you as it has been to me.

I am truly humbled that anyone has taken the time to read up on what I’m experiencing. I’ve long believed that the reason we have other people is to experience God through them. We all come with our own set of experiences, and none of us can experience God in every way that others have. So, as we share those experiences, we can see God’s work in every other person and see how He uses His people. (To clarify, I don’t mean that we are all little gods or anything like that. God is in Heaven on His thrown, but His light shines through each and every one of us who are called by His name.)

I’m just stunned and humbled. Praise God.